


Faint Heart Never Won Fair Broody

by anarchycox



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Awkwardness, Confusion, Eventual Sex, Fluff, M/M, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2017-12-27 15:04:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kink meme prompt: I'd like to see Carver have an enormous crush on someone and not know what to do with it. Does he jumble his words? Does he get flustered and turn red every time he says something stupid? Is he a really bad kisser?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing since college, so please be kind as I kick the rust off. While there is a clear plot/narrative, the story will feel more like interconnected scenes, rather than a fully detailed storyline. Mostly from Carver's POV, but eventually will be a little from Fenris' side as well.

Carver's first thought at meeting Fenris was 'I wish that sword was mine'

His second reaction was to vomit a little in his mouth and think 'Dear Maker, that heart pulling trick is really gross'

His third as they raced to Hightown was 'I hope this elf can actually pay us, I want to eat something where I know what the meat is'

These thoughts were all replaced with 'WHY THE FUCK IS HE GLOWING' as they worked their way through the shades in the decrepit mansion.

Carver's next thought was pure instinct as he stepped in front of Garrett (shocking them both) to protect him from the ranting mage hating elf (he knew Garrett was a pain in the ass, but Carver was damned if one pissed ex-slave was going to tear apart what was left of his family).

It wasn't until two days later when Carver, Garrett, Varric, and Fenris were exploring the Wounded Coast that Carver even noticed just how attractive Fenris was.

 

****************************************************

Carver immediately dismissed the thought from his mind, figuring that he was just distracted by the glowing, or that is was the sword that he really found attractive (Carver paused to wonder if he'd ever have enough money to buy a nicer broadsword).

That night the campfire lit up Fenris' hair and eyes and again that sneaky attraction slid its way into Carver's brain. Not quite as easily able to dismiss the thought, Carver decided the attractiveness was just an elf thing, look at how pretty Merrill is. Yup, it was just that elves look nice (though back in Lothering, he hadn't notice that any other elf males were good looking).

When they all had to hit the water in order to rid themselves of spider goo and Tal-Vashoth blood, Carver noticed that he was looking at Fenris' chest way too much, and dove under the water, staying under until he almost passed out, just to make sure his blood returned to its proper place.

Carver was thankful that he woke up before the others as it gave him a chance to go clean himself off, hoping that he hadn't stained his breeches in an obvious manner. When he was walking back to camp, Garrett was heading his way and joked 'oh, to be 19 again. Was it a good dream, it was about the pirate wasn't it, did she shiver your timbers?' Garrett laughed and kept walking as Carver blushed furiously. Carver wished that he had dreamt of Isabela, it would be much less confusing.

It was as they were walking back to Kirkwall that Carver knew that this might not be just a passing or idle attraction. Varric and Fenris were talking and Carver overheard a comment about broody babies and Carver's brain shouted at him 'we'd name a girl Bethany.'

Carver next thought, and the only one that occupied his brain for days was, 'well I'm fucked.'

 

*******************************************************

Carver couldn't decide if he was lucky or unlucky that Garrett had left him at home for the last week. On one hand it meant he didn't have to see Fenris and be all confused but on the other hand it gave him too much time to think.

Carver had heard about the five stages of grief (indeed mother had gone on about them after their father had passed), and wondered if there were stages to get over finding someone sexy. He didn't think he wanted to be attracted to another man, but he also knew it wasn't a big deal. Garrett like both men and women, and there were some fellow soldiers at Ostagar who liked to sleep with men. Still, it was not anything that he had felt before.

He went for a walk to the alienage to see if he was interested in other elves, but none of them greyed his warden (and seriously how did Isabela come up with all those terms?)

Next Carver decided that he was only attracted to Fenris because it had been so long since he had been with anyone. He grabbed what little coin he had saved for a new sword and took it to the Blooming Rose. He couldn't afford the best by any stretch, but he had a good time, and figured that would help him get over all his weird feelings.

Carver honestly believed that that had done the job, until Fenris showed up at their door to pick up Garrett to go kill some mercenaries. Carver was left behind again and so he just mooned about their hovel wondering what it would be like to lick Fenris' markings.

He was staring off into space when Leandra put a cup of tea in front of him and just said 'it is okay to go after what you want.'  
Carver decided to play dumb, as there was no way he was talking about his crush with his mother 'I'm just thinking about battle tactics'

'You got that line from your father, he used to say that when he was looking at me and thinking naughty thoughts' Leandra laughed as Carver choked on his tea and went red. 'You couldn't take your eyes off the elf...Fenris was it? He is very good looking, if a bit cranky. Why don't you talk to him, maybe invite him over for tea?'

Carver gave up all pretense, he needed to talk to someone, and if he couldn't have Bethany, he could talk to his mother (there was no way in the Void he was talking about this with Garrett). 'I just have never felt like this about a guy. I don't even know what I would say to Fenris. I forget to think when I see him, and I want to fight with him, and touch him, and kiss him, and...I don't even know what I really want, or how to even approach him. I feel like an idiot. Besides, he has never even made eye contact with me, he just looks at Garrett.'

'Carver, you and your brother are so different. He has charm, charisma, can flirt shamelessly, is incredibly handsome and powerful...'

'Mother, that is not helping, I know I am less than Garrett, always have been, always will be' Carver hung his head, sad and bitter that even their mother so preferred his brother.

'If I may finish,' Leandra said crossly, 'you and he are so different, he will flirt with everyone, but mean little by it. You, Carver, have a heart that will always run pure and true, just like your father. If you love Fenris, you'll love him forever and it isn't something you should fight against, it is something you should fight for.'

'I didn't say I loved him, I just want to...'

'Carver, my dear boy, if you are talking about this with me, it is more that wanting a tumble in a barn, like with Peaches.' Leandra smirked at Carver's stunned look. 'Yes I know about her, I like Fenris more. You have always been brave enough to protect your sister and brother from templars, as your father taught you. You stood at Ostagar, be brave enough to go after what you want now, life is too short to live without love.'

Carver sat there stunned, never in his life had he had a conversation like that with his mother, he didn't think he would have another like it again, but it did its job, and he straightened his shoulders.

He could do this, he could go after Fenris, he could maybe have something to hold onto in this horrid city, something of his own.

He just had to gain the attention of a bitter, angry, very scary lyrium enhanced ex-slave elf. No big deal right?


	2. 2

When Carver had begun training to fight, his father had told him that he needed to be able to quickly assess a situation, know what outcome he wanted, and be prepared to kill and even to die, if that was what was needed.

Bethany had always said that creating a list will help a scattered brain reach its ultimate goal.

Since they had been the wisest people he had known he combined what they said and came up with this document (which he made sure to hide on his person because if he hid it where they lived, he knew Garrett would find it and make his life unbearable, stupid older brothers who always pulled whomever they wanted):

WHAT I AM TRYING TO ACHIEVE CONCERNING FENRIS,  
1\. Get him to make eye contact.  
2\. Get him to talk with me, an actual conversation.  
3\. Spend time together without everyone else, like a date.  
4\. Epic making out.  
5\. Sex  
6\. More sex (if I like sex with a guy that is, what if I don't though, what if Fenris laughs at me for being a virgin, maybe I should buy a guy at the Rose, but I don't like them, the only man I find hot is Fenris, oh crap...I shouldn't have written this).  
7\. Live Happily Ever After (perhaps not here though, I can already tell happy and Kirkwall don't mix, maybe back to Ferelden).

HOW TO ACHIEVE MY FENRIS GOALS,  
1\. Be polite, maybe shake his hand, or a pat on the shoulder.  
2\. Ask about his life, mention things we have in common.  
3\. Maybe ask him to spar (added bonus besides time alone, I could maybe learn that leaping swoopy cut people in half trick, I would look so bad ass if I could do that). Bring food (not a girly picnic, just you know have food because sparring is hard work).  
4\. Kill some slavers, that seems to make him happy, plus killing slave hunters is fun.  
5\. Gifts. Point 2 should help me figure out what he might like.  
6\. Flirt, it can't be much different than flirting with Peaches.  
7\. Try to create a mood and setting where I can go in for a kiss.  
8\. Ask him to fuck me (might be a little too forward, shit how do you ask a guy that???!!!)

It felt like a good list, clear, to the point, and should help him succeed. Next time he saw Fenris he would start to work his way down the list - there was just no way he could fail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter as it is the end transition between Carver's thoughts and his attempts to take action. Coming up will be full awkwardness. Fenris will end up being a little OOC in order for a Carver/Fenris relationship to actually work, but I am trying to keep the heart and will of the characters close to original.


	3. Eye Contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carver starts on his list goals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will occasionally reference in game dialogue, without quoting it too directly.

Carver was sure that he could achieve his first goal with little to no trouble. How difficult would it be to get eye contact, everyone does it.

It turns out it is difficult to have someone look at you, if you never actually see them. Garrett didn't take them out on the same missions, and Fenris only rarely came to card night at the Hanged Man. When he did, he would only look at his wine, his cards, and the door (in case his enemies came and tried to corner him, which Carver had to admit was a smart policy). Also, Carver tended to end up sitting at the other end of the table where eye contact was impossible, still he was determined to try.

It had taken a month of attempted plotting, but he finally ended up seated across from Fenris at card night. This meant though that he was seated beside Varric who liked to go on about Garrett's exploits and what a great story they would make. Varric also was really, really observant so Carver had to be careful not to just stare at Fenris too much, in case Varric figured that something was up. Hands were played, glasses were emptied, and Fenris never once looked at Carver, only occasionally looking up to where Garrett flirted horribly with Isabela. Eventually there was a hand that was down to just Carver and Fenris and Carver was sure that this was when Fenris would finally look up at him, if even just to try to figure out if Carver was bluffing. 

Sure enough, Fenris' head started to rise, and Carver was so hopeful that maybe now Fenris would see him that he held his breath. Those fathomless green eyes rose, but never made it past Carver's chin before they dropped back down to look at the stack of money in the middle of the table. Carver couldn't believe it, it had been so close and then nothing, frustrated, drunk, and now broke he couldn't help but say snidely, slightly childishly, "what they don't teach manners in Tevinter? It's only polite to look at a guy when you rob him blind." In the dead silence that hit the room, the sober part of Carver's brain tried to think if he had ever said anything quite that stupid before, and drew a blank. He started to stutter out an apology, but it was too late as Fenris was already storming out of the room.

"Well, you really are an idiot, you know that right?" Garrett asked angrily, "Fenris mentioned once that if a slave were to look a magister in the eye, he would receive 20 lashes."

"How was I supposed to know that? You never take us out at the same time, and you sure as hell never share any details about what goes on when you don't take me along." Carver felt queasy and it wasn't just from the horrible ale.

"If you didn't behave like a whiny, clueless, ass, maybe I'd take you out more"

"Maybe I wouldn't put my foot in it with your friends so much, if you actually included me more" The rest of the table was getting whiplash from trying to follow along with the brother's bickering.

"Fine, tomorrow you can come along, we have a job for a local magistrate, but you damn well better apologize to Fenris for being a clueless moron." Garrett threw back his shot of rum, and walked out of the bar. Varric just shook his head at Carver, as Carver walked quietly out shortly there after.

*********

Carver was hungover, pissed at Garrett for ordering him around (he was going to apologize to Fenris, but he hated that Garrett made it sound like an order to a subordinate), and confused as to how to apologize to a man who wouldn't look at him, or even get within 5 paces of him. Carver was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that his fighting suffered, and he was not faring well against the giant spiders that they were fighting. He heard a noise behind him, and as he swung around to meet the threat, Fenris was already there lopping the head off a spider that was about to bite Carver. Carver thought "shit man get it together" and then quickly rejoined the fray. Once the fighting was done he walked up behind Fenris and clapped a hand on his shoulder, thinking to thank him for saving his life. Fenris lit up and threw a punch at Carver, before anyone even realized what was happening. Carver was knocked on his ass, his brain torn between the thoughts "son of a bitch that hurt," and "whoo-hoo Fenris touched me, actually touched me" (at this point Carver realized just how messed up his brain was, but since it was all he had to work with, he just rolled with the conflicting thoughts).

He picked himself up off the ground, thankful that it had just been a punch and not a removal of any vital organs. 

"Two apologies now little brother" Garrett called out as he hurried after Fenris.

Carver frowned after his brother, not even knowing what he was supposed to apologize for. "I take it you never received the don't touch Broody lecture that the rest of us got," Varric asked. 

"What did I do wrong? In the army, someone saves your ass, you thank them"

"Broody there doesn't have a lot of good experiences when it comes to touch or people coming up behind him."

"Great that it two major screw ups, think he'll ever even talk to me, let alone forgive me?"

"Nope, the elf looks like a champion grudge holder. I figure he'll move from enraged, to a simmering hate for you in about 2 years" Varric said, only half joking.

"Well, something to look forward to then." The two started walking to catch up to the others.

********

As they left the enclosure they all had a sour taste in their mouth, and Fenris' hand was covered in blood. Carver knew that killing that man was the right thing to do, he was clearly insane, but no way was that magistrate going to pay them after they murdered his kid. They started back to Kirkwall, subdued and tired. Carver decided to take a chance, and walked up to Fenris.

"I am sorry about my crack at the bar, and sorry about touching you." he said quietly, not really looking at Fenris. He knew he had lost any chance to be with the elf, after his screw ups of the last day and a half, but he wanted to try and make it right, like his father had taught him. "I promise that I'll do my best to leave you alone." Fenris gave a brisk nod and Carver fell back to walk with Varric.

This ended up being a bad idea as Varric started in on him, being all wrong about his relationship with Garrett and trying to explain how Carver should really be living his life. It made him angry that people thought they knew what was best for him, like he was still a child, someone who had never faced down templars, darkspawn, and all the general crap that they had faced since coming to this city. He kept it together though, until Varric called him Little Hawke, which he really, really hated. Carver snapped and yelled, "If you are such a good storyteller, why is it that the nicknames you come up with are so lame? I am more than Garrett's brother, though none of you seem to realize it." He then stormed ahead, wishing that this day was just over, and that he could forget everything that had happened.

He made it back to Kirkwall well ahead of the others and went to the market to see if he could sell some of the daggers and clothes that he had collected while they were out. Having a few silver in his pocket made him feel a little better and as he turned towards home, he saw that Fenris was standing there.

Not really looking at him, but somewhere off into the distance, Fenris spoke: "My master named me Fenris, it means little wolf. A predator is still a predator, even if little is added to the title." Carver gaped as Fenris so very briefly made eye contact before he started walking towards the steps to hightown. "Besides it is a better nickname than elf or Broody, those really show the lack of imagination in the dwarf." Fenris was gone shortly after speaking.

Carver couldn't believe it, this had to be the best day ever, it seemed like his list and plan had totally worked for step one (he decided to immediately forget how close Fenris came to killing him). Carver was so happy that Fenris spoke to him and looked at him, that he didn't even realize he was walking into one of the shop's support beams, knocking himself out with a smile on his face.


	4. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carver works on his goals, there is brotherly bonding, and someone offers advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I generally am trying to update once a week, but my schedule is dependent on a one month old baby actually letting me sleep so that I have enough brain power to actually write.

Carver was so thankful that no one had seen him knock himself out, and was happy that the bruises were all gone within a couple weeks, and that he had been able to pass them off as from a brawl on the docks. He had been spending more time on the docks as he could pick up a little work when Garrett didn't take him out. His new sword fund was growing, very slowly, but it was growing. He also was putting aside a copper here and there so that he could eventually buy something for Fenris (though that was for the future and he had no idea what he would get the elf anyways).

Carver was pleased with the success of his list, there had been eye contact and almost a conversation. He was tempted to cross off point number two, but decided that having Fenris say two sentences to him didn't count as an actual conversation (though it was more than Merrill or Anders got from the elf, so Carver figured it meant that he wasn't hated, of course he wasn't a mage so that helped a fair deal). Thus the next step was to have an actual conversation. According to his list, and an etiquette book his mother made them all read years ago, a good way to start a conversation was to talk about common ground or interests. While butchering his way through one of the street gangs that always jumped out of nowhere in the middle of the night, Carver tried to think of everything that he and Fenris had in common, it took a good bit of thinking and boiled down to:

They were both men.  
They both used broadswords.  
They both had tattoos.  
They both hated slavers.

And that was it. It wasn't a lot to go on, but Carver figured it was a start, though he couldn't figure out how talking about how they were both guys would actually be an interesting conversation. But he thought he could work with slavers, tattoos, and swords, nothing there could make Fenris angry.

*********************************

Carver decided to be optimistic - this time when he said something stupid to Fenris, Fenris actually spoke to him (okay so it was more of a growl, yelling angry voice, but still he was talking to Carver before he stormed off, so that was something). He stared after Fenris longingly, wishing that he could just not make the elf furious.

"So, are you trying to commit suicide by elf at this point?" Garrett and Isabela stared at him, Garrett annoyed, Isabela thoughtfully.

"I didn't know that the tattoos were against his will, I knew a bunch of guys in the army who would have done anything to get stronger." Carver sounded so dejected that he had screwed up again due to his own ignorance.

"Really, REALLY? Beyond that just being wrong, you did know that they were lyrium, caused the glowing fisting thing, and you compare them to a mabari on your ass? Forget mother's swear jar, I'm starting a jar so that you pay me every time you annoy one of our companions. We'll have enough money for the expedition in a week." Garrett walked after Fenris, hoping to fix his brother's mistake.

Isabela started to walk beside Carver, shaking her head and laughing.

"What?!" Carver impressed himself with how that had sounded almost as growly as Fenris got (another thing they had in common - growling when cranky).

"Oh, puppy, have did you ever get laid back in Ferelden if that is the best you can come up with?"

"Isabela, I have no idea what you are talking about" Carver hoped that his cheeks weren't as red as they felt.

"Right, do you want some advice or not, because whatever it is that you are doing is clearly not working."

"Fine, o great and wise pirate queen, what advice would you bestow upon my poor soul," great now he was sounding as sarcastic as Garrett, and that made him even more depressed.

"Get him drunk and then ask him to fuck you." Isabela smiled.

"That's it, that's your advice to me?"

"Puppy, that's my advice to everyone." Isabela laughed and walked away, leaving Carver to bang his head against the wall.

***********************************************

Two weeks went by with no chance to speak to Fenris (Carver didn't like to admit it, even to himself, but he was too nervous to try just going to Fenris' house and talk to the man alone). Luckily, Garrett decided it was time to get back the family estate from slavers, which meant that Fenris was along, and there had been no way Garrett was going to leave Carver behind when it was a family issue at stake.

Once again Isabela was with them and whenever the others weren't looking she would make rude gestures, wiggle her eyebrows and make Carver's life hell. He managed to bump into her, and ask her to stop, but of course she was finding it all too funny to listen to his request.

Soon though they were too busy fighting slavers and a powerful mage to be distracted. It was a tough fight, as it was in tight spaces which made broadswords less useful, but he and Fenris still managed to hold their own, with Garrett casting glyphs and Isabela backstabbing. At the end, Carver built up his courage and said seriously,

"Slavers suck, always happy to kill a few, right Fenris?" Fenris turned and looked at him, and nodded. Carver cursed inwardly, in no way shape or form would a nod count as a conversation.

They retrieved a bunch of paperwork from a chest and headed out to have a few celebratory drinks at the Hanged Man. Carver decided to try again, with the only common gambit he had left.

"Your sword is amazing." Fenris just looked at him and Carver decided to press on (this had to work, eye contact was regular now and he wanted more, and talking about weapons always worked in the military).

"I mean it is clearly a strong weapon, and it holds up well, mine has been taking a beating and I haven't had the money or time to fix or replace it. Your sword seems firm, and strong and you hold it so well, the down strokes you have with your weapon are incredible, I mean you can just whip it out and drive it into just about anybody with such a smooth motion...." Carver stumbled to a halt as Isabela was bent over not able to breathe for laughing so hard, Garrett looked at him like he was crazy, and Fenris just looked confused, and Carver realized just how dirty what he was saying sounded.

"oh shit, I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot" Carver felt all the blood drain and then rush back into his face, as he took off quickly feeling embarrassed and so damn young. He couldn't believe what he said, wishing that he could be as suave as his father had been, knowing that was never going to happen. He made it back to their hovel, happy that Gamlen was out and Mother was asleep. He grabbed a bottle of rum from Gamlen's stash and made his way down to the docks, wanting only to be by the water and get really drunk, and find a way to have his brain (and his heart) get over the feelings he had for Fenris.

Half way through the bottle, Carver was starting to feel mellow and resigned to the fact that he wouldn't ever have it together enough to be with Fenris, when his brother sat down beside him and took a long pull from the bottle.

"Damn, this stuff is horrible, how is Gamlen not completely pickled drinking this crap?" The look of disgust on Garrett's face, wasn't enough though to stop him from drinking more. "You want to talk about the fact that since we came to Kirkwall, you seem to have lost whatever little sense you had?" Garrett asked, only half joking.

"Nope" Carver tried to grab the bottle back but he was slow and clumsy and Garrett kept it easily away.

"Tell me what's bothering you, and you can have more."

"Nope" Carver stuck out his tongue and Garrett laughed.

"You know you've been a pain in the ass, since the day you were born. Bethany was quiet and peaceful and lovely, and you were cranky and a lunkhead." Garrett was trying to be funny, but the thought of their sweet sister always made them sad. Carver decided to tell his brother something true.

"I miss her so damn much. I've just felt lost here in Kirkwall and she would have helped me make sense of it all." Carver knew he was talking of more than the city (Kirkwall = Fenris in his brain, but no way was he opening up that much to his brother, Garrett would only make fun of him for crushing on another man). "I just don't know what to do, to get what I want, to be happy here."

Garrett took another swig of rum. "Yeah, things suck right now," and for once there was no laughter in his voice and he seemed to actually be taking Carver seriously, "I wish things could be different, better. Mother is going to petition about the estate but without more money that will gain us nothing. Everyone we hang out with is crazy and riddled with problems and we have to hide from asshole templars, few seem willing to look the other way like Ser Bryant always did."

"So what do we do then?" Carver hated that he sounded like he was a child again, asking Garrett to defeat the monsters under the bed (but no matter how much he made fun of Carver when they were little, Garrett always destroyed bedtime monsters in spectacular fashion).

"We keep going forward, fighting for what we want, what we need. We don't yield or falter ever." Carver realized in that moment just how like father his brother looked and sounded, and Carver was strangely comforted.

There was a pause..."Do you hate me for not saving Bethany, is that why we've been fighting even more?" Carver never knew that his brother's voice could sound so small.

"No, I was always mad at myself, I was supposed to keep her safe, and I couldn't, it was too much too fast." Garrett nodded, completely understanding that sentiment. They were both quiet as they finished the bottle. As they started to walk back home Carver added, "I've never hated you, I just want to be more than your brother, and that is all I have here."

Garrett looked sad for a second and then drew himself up "You can have more here, you just have to reach out and take it." Garrett quickly and briefly hugged him "You are so much more than what you think, or at least you would be if you could keep your mouth in order and not say stupid things constantly." Carver laughed at that, happy to stop being serious and return their relationship to the status quo. He decided though to pretend to be a little more drunk that he was, so that he could keep an arm around is brother just a little bit longer.

**************************************************

This next morning the hangover was bad but not lethal and Carver drank copious amounts of strong tea, happy to have the house to himself, with Garrett gone to talk about jobs with Varric, Mother shopping, and Gamlen who knows where. There was a knock on the door, one that rattled around his brain more than he would like.

He wrenched open the door, muttering "who knocks that loudly, this early in the morning?" overlooking the fact that this early in the morning was nearing on noon.

Fenris stood there, looking confused and unsure.

"Sorry Fenris, had a little too much rum last night. If you are looking for Garrett, he is at the Hanged Man." Carver started to shut the door again, wanting to get back to his tea, and away from the sun.

"I was looking for you."

That one small sentence seemed to instantly remove all the pain from behind Carver's eyes, and he had no idea how to respond.

"You said your sword is damaged, and I know you and your brother are saving all your money for the deep roads. There were several weapons left behind at the mansion, perhaps one would suit you. You could stop by and pick one out, if you would like. I do not lock the door so you can go in and have a look at some point." Fenris nodded at Carver and turned to walk away. 

When Fenris was halfway down the steps, Carver remembered that he had a voice and that it actually worked.

'Wait, maybe we could take a look now, and you could help me figure out which is best - I've been debating trying out a maul, or a sword with a different balance, and you seem to know lots about weapons."

"That is acceptable, perhaps we can see how firm your grip is on your own weapon." Fenris continued walking after tossing a smirk over his shoulder at Carver. Carver couldn't be sure if he was making a joke and being serious and didn't really care.

"Perhaps, after we pick out something, we could spar a little so that I can get used to the new piece?" Carver asked hopefully as they walked together towards Hightown, "I would like to learn a couple of the moves I've seen you use."

Fenris agreed and they talked about swords and fighting techniques all the way back to the decrepit mansion, Carver over the moon happy with the continued success of the list.

He was even further happy that when he tripped over a corpse in the house and fell in front of Fenris, that he managed to not knock himself out.


	5. Sparring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fighting, growing, and adapting (and mothers with picnic baskets).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to sneak in a little Fenris P.O.V. here, I mainly want to focus on Carver, but I don't think it hurts to have a peek into Fenris.   
> Also, I have two paths that the story can take, does anyone have a preference for Warden Carver or Templar Carver?

First Sparring Practice:

They decided to use the main area on the ground floor to spar in, as there was no furniture to break, only a few corpses which had to be put elsewhere (Carver tried to suggest getting rid of all the bodies and maybe washing up the blood and demon goo, but Fenris shrugged and said that they were not bothersome, which caused Carver to wonder what Fenris' definition of bothersome actually was). 

Carver had found three weapons that held promise, a maul, a double sided axe, and a broadsword with a heavy pommel. He showed Fenris the formations he used when he practiced and Fenris did the same. They moved through the steps together each adapting some of the others moves into their own routine as Carver tested the weight and feel of each weapon. They moved together in a rhythm that was deadly and hypnotic, Fenris as lithe and dangerous as always, and Carver showing a grace and confidence that was lacking when he was around the others.

Carver fell in love with the maul. He had always used a broadsword in the past, and while it wasn't the most elegant of weapons, it was brutal, efficient, and really suited the sheer muscle and determination that Carver brought to a fight.

They ended their day with little sparring but with the promise to meet up in a couple of days.

Second Sparring Practice:

This time when they met they began again with formations and Carver was stunned to watch how Fenris was using some of the same steps that Carver had shown him. Carver tripped over his own feet and hit himself in the leg with the maul. Fenris looked at Carver's expression and shrugged, "is it not the point of this practice for both us of to learn new techniques so that we may become better fighters?"

"Well, yeah, but you are already such a strong fighter, I thought that this was mainly to make me better."

"You are a strong fighter, you just need to have more experience, I have been fighting for many years, you just for a few, if you continue you will surpass me easily." Fenris couldn't quite meet Carver's eyes as he paid the compliment, and Carver was glad of it as he didn't want Fenris to see how the words made him blush.

They finished their warm up and faced each other, moving through the steps of a fight carefully, slowly, so as to not hurt each other. Both were pleased with the practice, and agreed that it was a worthwhile endeavour to continue.

Third Sparring Practice:

This time both felt confident enough to pick up speed and strength, Fenris had skill and experience, Carver determination and will. While it was not quite an even match, Carver held his own, and the practice had them both sweaty and aching. They agreed that if they weren't out on jobs, this was a good thing to keep up and wold meet every few days to spar.

******

Carver couldn't believe how well everything was working out, sparring was going great. He was careful not to talk about anything beyond weapons, fighting, the jobs they took, and the weather, and Fenris had not once stormed off or kicked him out of the house. He figured that if their sessions continued this well in a month or two he might try flirting, maybe steal a kiss (he was really hesitant about the kiss idea, as one he had never kissed a man before, and two he worried about the no touching Fenris rule, which was still generally in place even after all their sparring). Mostly he was happy that he hadn't made an idiot of himself in awhile, only stumbling over words and his feet every so often.

He was feeling very adult and for once in Kirkwall in control of his own life - that is until his mother showed up on Fenris' doorstep.

******

There was a knocking at the door, which they had not noticed at first over the clash of their weapons, but when they paused they heard the small noise. Both looked confusedly at the door, as no one ever knocked here. All of the group just walked in, shouting their presence, and strangers avoided the mansion, assuming it was haunted.

Fenris went to the door cautiously, and opened it to reveal Carver's mother. He bowed slightly, unsure why she was there. "Mistress Hawke, please come in."

Leandra walked into the house and saw her son standing there, sweaty from practice, a concerned look on his face, "Is something wrong, did something happen...?"

She smiled at the men, held out her hands, and for the first time they noticed the basket she carried, "nothing is wrong, but I know that the two of you have been practicing so hard, I thought that I might bring you a lunch to enjoy."

Fenris shook his head, "This was unnecessary of you."

"Not at all, not at all. You've been helping my sons so much, I wanted to show my gratitude to you, and I promise that I did not go to too much trouble, now where is your dining area for me to put this meal out, and then I'll leave you to your work." Fenris started to show her the way, but Carver remembered that that is where they had stored all the bodies.

"WAIT!" he yelled, they both looked at him, "Fenris I believe you are using that room for storage...." Fenris realized quickly what Carver meant and stopped their momentum.

"Hmmm, well if I can't use the dining room, I know what will work - an indoor picnic right here!" Leandra smiled happily, and Carver looked at his mother with suspicion. "Fenris, be a dear and grap a cloth or blanket to spread out" Fenris left to do as she requested, more confused than ever.

"Mother, what are you doing? A picnic?" Carver whispered, panicked and a little angry at her not so subtle interference.

"Well, you've been coming here for weeks, but I don't think you've even hinted to him what you feel, am I right?" Carver nodded sadly, "I just wanted to give you a little nudge, and besides I don't think your friend is eating properly or enough. You take a break, eat together, talk about something other than food, maybe you'll make some progress." Carver still looked angry, and she added "I made ginger snaps." She knew Carver's anger would melt at the thought of his favourite cookies.

Fenris returned with a blanket found in the one the bedchamber, a little moth eaten, but in decent enough condition. Leandra took it from him and spread it out on the ground, and placed the basket on top. "You boys, enjoy the meal, Carver please walk me to the door" Carver nodded and stepped beside his mother.

At the door she kissed him on the cheek and said "don't waste the chance, flirt a little" Carver blushed, but nodded his head and waved her off. He returned to see that Fenris had spread out the dishes, and Carver flushed as his stomach growled loudly. Fenris left quickly and Carver was worried that his mother had offended somehow, but was relieved when Fenris returned with wine "I thought we might like a drink to go with the food."

They ate in silence, but it was a comfortable one, and Carver tried to figure out how to do as his mother said and flirt.

"Your mother was very kind to do this for us" Fenris stated after eating a third cookie.

"She always used to bring food out to Father and I when he was teaching me to fight." 

"I thought your father a mage, like your brother."

"He was but he had also done work as a mercenary, and since I didn't have magic he wanted me to have strength, in order to protect the family." Carver paused to drink a huge gulp of wine, "I was named for a Templar, the one who helped my father escape."

Fenris nodded, "in a way, your father trained you to act as Templar for your family didn't he?"

"Yeah, I didn't realize it when I was young, but he wanted someone to be able to stand if one of them fell."

"It is a good name, and a good path he put you on, fighting, guarding those around you seems to suit you." 

"I wish someone would tell Aveline that, she rejected me from the guard for the fifth time, said something about me not wanting to put others before myself anymore. I was hoping that with our practice here, what I've been learning, she'd change her mind, but she doesn't think me capable, or worthy, or something." Carver hung his head, feeling maudlin, and blamed the wine - he had never had a head for red wine.

It was a good thing that he was looking down as he saw Fenris sneak his hand over, fingers brushing fingers on the pretext of grabbing the wine bottle. Carver's mouth dropped open at the touch.

"She is a fool" is all Fenris said. Overcome, Carver did the only thing he could think of, which was to lean over and brush his mouth over Fenris' in a soft kiss.

Fenris jerked back, stunned. At his shocked look Carver blushed, panicked, and ran out of the house, leaving behind both basket and maul.

*********  
(Fenris POV)

Fenris didn't know how long he just sat there on the blanket staring at Carver's abandoned weapon. He mechanically kept drinking wine, trying to sort out what had happened. He liked sparring with Carver, it was good practice and he had grown to accept his company. At first he had not liked Carver, for many of the reasons that the rest of their group also rolled their eyes at the boy - he was so damn young, brash, and generally clueless about how to navigate the world. But after that first apology, Fenris had seen that the boy was lost here, too many heartbreaks and changes had befallen the Hawkes in a row, and that feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing your place was something that Fenris understood quite well.

In battle, Carver was a strong companion, one who showed great promise, this was why Fenris offered his help, plus he grew weary of hearing the rest heap casual neglect and insult onto the boy - none of them were without fault, Carver just had to learn how to link his mouth and brain better.

Fenris knew that his own skills improved with their practice, and when out with Garrett, less bandits and demons got passed him to the range fighters. It was all going well and then Leandra showed up with food. Somehow this changed the dynamic of their day more than it should of, and Fenris was unsure of how to handle the difference - so he did what he knew best, grab a bottle of wine as alcohol gave him the courage to talk more. Carver had seemed so sad and broken at Aveline's rejection, that he just wanted to offer some comfort. He had seen the pirate hug the witch after battle, watched as Garrett slung an arm around the abomination after he healed the group, he knew that people touched each other easily, but it seemed so hard to reach out that much - but a finger brushing a finger, that he could do. He did so in a way that it could be mistaken for a reach for the bottle, but their sparring had made Carver aware enough of Fenris' movements, that it could not be mistaken for less than what it was.

Then Carver had kissed him, such a soft brush of chapped lips, something that Fenris had no memory of feeling before. He reacted so strongly because he had no frame of reference for that action, or what the feeling behind it might be. Carver had run, which is what he did every time he did something around Fenris. Fenris brought the bottle to his lips again, and wondered what the kiss could have meant. 

Hours and two bottles later Fenris came to the conclusion that it had been just a silly instinct, a thank you for companionship, and support. It couldn't mean anything more than that, because Carver was too good, too handsome, too full of potential, to be interested in a scarred ex-slave like himself. He resolved to never mention the kiss, certain that Carver's running out meant that he had felt it a mistake. Fenris wondered why this thought made him so sad.


	6. Gifts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hawkes finally have enough money for the expedition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm switching the book gift to be given from Carver and moving it into Act I.  
> Also this ended up being a long chapter, but I wanted to be able to get to the next section of the story, so decided to cram a lot in here.

Carver woke the next morning feeling like an idiot (so you know pretty much a normal morning). He couldn't believe that he had kissed Fenris, it was way ahead of schedule, he didn't even know if Fenris liked men. Hell he didn't even know if Fenris tolerated him at all even on a friend level - though the sparring and conversation would suggest that maybe they were friendly at the least. And to top it off he had left his maul at Fenris' house which meant going up there and seeing him and Carver knew that he would say or do something stupid. He wished there was a way to go back and not kiss Fenris. He was so flustered by his own actions he couldn't even remember if he liked the kiss, or what Fenris' mouth felt like. So basically the whole thing was made of fail.

His mother walked in the door with a basket of food from the morning market. "You do know that your weapon is leaning against the building, did you leave it there Carver?"

"No, Fenris must have dropped it off."

"Well, why didn't he come in, he could have had tea?" Carver dropped his head a little to hard onto the the table, and muttered under his breath. "I'm sorry dear, but I couldn't understand that."

"I kissed him and ran."

"Oh my darling boy" Leandra came over and hugged Carver and he felt comforted, until she smacked him upside the head, and he realized now where Bethany had gotten that habit. "You don't kiss somebody you like and then just run. What must Fenris think right now? You should go see him, explain your actions, maybe bring him something nice, something sweet."

"What like flowers, or chocolate? If he didn't hit me, he'd laugh in my face. Plus explain what, that I might be hopelessly in love with him, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, hanging out, killing bad guys, and you know...." Carver blushed at the thoughts racing through his mind, and then blushed some more that those thoughts were happening with his mother sitting beside him.

"No, maybe you don't explain all that, just explain why you ran. Also I'm sure that after all the time you've been spending with him, you can find an appropriate gift, I know you've been saving up for one." Leandra nudged Carver's shoulder.

"Fine I'll hit the markets, see if there is anything that works."

Carver grabbed a hunk of bread and cheese and headed out the door.

*****************************

Carver had little money, and no idea what he was looking for. He thought maybe an amulet or ring that would offer protection in battle, but he couldn't afford one that was worth wearing. He was contemplating maybe a new whetstone, or armor polish when he noticed the junk bin in Lirene's shop had a bunch of books. Distracted, he looked for something that his mother might enjoy, as she loved reading. Instead though he found something perfect for Fenris. It was a dense book on Shartan, full of military history of the battles he fought, personal accounts of the man and had a few beautiful illustrations inside. There was only a little damage to the binding and a small water mark on a page or two. He further lucked out that Lirene let him have it for a few coppers, knowing how the Hawkes helped protect Anders from the gangs and from the Templar. Carver went home, thinking to quickly clean up, maybe grab some cookies to bring up to Fenris' place.

He walked into their home to see Garrett swinging Mother around in the air. Both were giggling like loons. Garrett put their mother down and swept Carver up into a huge hug. "We did it, we have enough money to fund the expedition. That prince came through and paid us a wad of gold! We're on our way!"

Carver couldn't believe it, something was actually going right for them in this godforsaken city. He hugged Garrett tightly, feeling a weight lift from his shoulders.

"We are all so celebrating tonight at the Hanged Man, I'm headed up to the keep to get Aveline to put down the paperwork and come play for a night." Carver realized that this was a perfect opportunity.

"I'll head up with you, let Fenris know about the celebration." Garrett nodded distractedly as they both started the journey to Hightown.

They parted ways to their separate locations and Carver grew more nervous as he reached his destination. He nevertheless drew himself up, knocked twice and walked in as he usually did. He stumbled to a halt seeing Fenris practicing his forms wearing only his leggings. The body that always looked so impressive in battle, looked even more so stripped down, almost bare. Carver's eyes glazed over watching the shift and play of muscles in his back and shoulders, the way the lyrium brands highlighted the inherent strength and grace that lay in Fenris. He must have made a noise, a soft groan and Fenris turned swiftly ready to strike. He relaxed when he saw it was Carver, but then tensed when he remembered his lack of clothing.

"Excuse me for a moment" Fenris left quickly, which gave Carver time to compose himself and make sure that he hadn't been too obviously drooling. Fenris returned in almost his full armor, that he left his gauntlets off, was a mark of how much he had come to accept and trust in Carver. "I did not think that we were meeting today."

"Yes well, I stopped by with news - we have enough money to fund Bartrand's expedition and we are all going to the Hanged Man to celebrate tonight." Fenris nodded. "I congratulate you on accomplishing your goal."

"Well we haven't done much yet, I just want this to give us enough money to get Mother out of Gamlen's place." Carver shuffled his feet, awkward in Fenris' house in a way he hadn't been for awhile. "Look about what I did last night..."

"It is nothing to worry about" Fenris who had recently been gazing at Carver when conversing, tried to settle his eyes anywhere but on the boy, "I know you meant nothing by it, it was an accident of wine and emotion." Fenris shrugged and turned, "I will see you at the bar later tonight." 

Shit, thought Carver, wasn't expecting that. He didn't know how to handle being dismissed like that, not from Fenris.

"It meant something." Carver blurted turning red. Fenris froze at that sentence, looking more like a wild animal trapped in a corner. Carver pulling at a bravery and boldness that saw him through many a battle stepped forward, closer to (but not too close) Fenris, "it meant something" he repeated.

Fenris looked at the younger man, and Carver realized for the first time how much shorter than he Fenris was. In battle he seemed to large, but in reality even being tall for an elf, still meant being shorter than a human, and Hawkes ran tall. Standing so still both of them, Carver saw that Fenris came up to just above his shoulders, eyes level with the pulsing beat of his blood in his throat. All Carver could do, all his brain and heart could manage was to repeat once more, "it meant something."

Fenris nodded slowly, showing Carver that he understood at least a little. Carver stepped back and held out his hand with the book. "Here I got you this" Carver relaxed for a moment sure that he had come up with a great gift.

Fenris looked at the out stretched hand, looked at Carver, looked back at the gift. "It is a book" the sentence sounded so confused and strangely forlorn.

"Well, yeah, it's a book. Good to know that keen elf eyesight works so well." Carver rolled his eyes. "It's an account of Shartan, you know the guy who freed the slaves, thought it might be up your alley, but whatever." Carver started to pull the book back into himself, embarrassed, as he was so sure that this had been a good idea. Fenris quickly reached out to grab the book. 

"It is not that I do not appreciate this, but..." Fenris ducked his head, "I was a bodyguard, not a scribe, I do not know how to read, that is a dangerous skill for a slave to have" He hunched over, as if expecting a blow or perhaps ashamed of his lack.

"Oh," this was not a thought that had crossed Carver's mind, as reading had been so important in the Hawke household. "Well, you are smart I bet you could pick it up in no time" Fenris snorted at the thought. Carver decided to push his luck just a little. "I might not be the best at it, but perhaps when we're back I could teach you how to read, as thanks for all the weapon work." Fenris offered a small nod and Carver could have jumped up and down for joy. Instead he sort of bounced on the balls of his feet and said "See you tonight." He walked out of the mansion not waiting for a response.

That night Carver couldn't help but note that Fenris sat beside him the whole evening, perhaps a little closer than was strictly necessary as there was plenty of space at the table what with Isabela sitting in Garrett's lap.

*************************

A week later everything was packed and ready to go for the expedition. Everyone met up at the meeting place, those who were heading out and those being left behind. Bartrand was making a horrible speech when Leandra broken in, wanting to speak to her sons. Everyone tried not to watch as the three of them argued, until Leandra threw up her hands in resignation, hugged both her sons and walked away. Garrett walked over to Isabela to say his goodbyes, which Carver noticed was more about grinding and kissing than heartfelt messages, and then he walked over to Fenris.

"So it looks like those reading lessons will have to wait a few weeks, sorry about that." Fenris nodded, "it has kept this long, a little more time matters naught."

"Bartrand figures we should be gone about a month, I'm not looking forward to being underground that long, I hope there is as much treasure as the dwarf thinks there is. Plus it is a month with my brother and Anders talking about magic theory, Varric telling his stories, and me being the only blade. I wish you were coming along, you'd make more sense than another mage."

"Anders is a Grey Warden, I imagine his skills will be useful in the Deep Roads for keeping you all safe and alive," it was perhaps the first nice thing that Fenris had ever said about Anders. Fenris seemed to glance around to make sure that no one was looking their way. "I found this ring in the mansion, it offers protection against magics and the undead. It would please me if you wore it on your journey." he tried, but could not make eye contact with Carver, and the tips of his ears were red.

"Thank you Fenris, I'll happily wear it" Carver took the ring, brushing his fingers against Fenris'. He put it on and felt its power immediately. He noticed that the rest had all started to walk away and he moved to join them. "I'll see you in a month." 

He didn't look back at he caught up to Garrett, thinking that that would be a little too cliched. He did though, run his thumb over the back of the ring, not believing that maybe he had a good chance with Fenris after all.

****************************

When a month passed with no word, no one was worried, four weeks had been an estimate.

At five weeks, the left behind companions stopped by to visit each other, seeing if anyone heard news, offering company.

At six weeks, they all started to check on Leandra who was growing tenser by the day.

At seven weeks they all met a few times a week at the Hanged Man, trying to hide how worried they were.

At eight weeks Fenris was the one to visit Leandra, bringing some of the money he had made helping out Aveline roust a gang from Hightown. Leandra looked a little weepy but held herself together thanking him for the money. He tried to offer support, comforting words, but this was not something he was very good at and was pleased when Aveline stopped by to have tea with Leandra. He nodded and headed to the door. "Fenris, I know he'll find a way to come home to you." Fenris paused and looked back at the women.

"Mistress Hawke, I do not take your meaning, I am sure your sons are both anxious to come home to you, you will not suffer more loss." Leandra shook her head, "Well, at least you are both idiots and it is not just my boy." Aveline looked troubled by the conversation but let it go, and Fenris walked away.

At nine weeks Isabela and Fenris got really, really, really drunk together. Drunk enough that they were sitting on the ground of the mansion and he was letting her lean on his shoulder. They had been laughing about something, or nothing it was difficult to remember and Isabela for once sounded serious, "Do you think they are coming back?"

"I do not know, they have been gone much longer than they should have been, and the Deep Roads are a dangerous place." Fenris answered honestly.

"You are terrible at this, you are supposed to say that they are fine, and that everything will be well." She hit him, or at least tried to.

"Very well, they are fine and will be home soon." Fenris tried to say this confidently, but could not managed to do so. "You care for Hawke a great deal, Isabela."

"No I don't, he's just a good lay, and fun to adventure with until I get another ship." The amount of rum they had imbibed made the lie ring falser than it would have had Isabela been sober. Fenris shook his head at her, and she glared back.

"I don't like him, anymore than you like Carver" At this sentence Fenris' face completely closed down and he scooted away from Isabela, just a little bit. She took another huge gulp of rum and inched down the wall until she was lying prone and said softly, "what is it about those Hawke boys that can make us feel so much. Not feeling is so much easier."

"I do not know Isabela." Fenris petted her hair to comfort them both and passed out beside her.

At ten weeks there was finally word. The four companions who had been left behind were sitting in the Hanged Man, drinking, trying to play cards. They had all grown so tense and worried that gathering had kept them sane, and oddly instead of taking it out on each other they had bonded together, Fenris had even managed to not yell or sneer at Merrill for two weeks now (it helped that Isabela bribed him in alcohol to keep the peace with Merrill).

There was a commotion at the door and Varric walked wearily in. The four froze in their seats, wondering where the other three were. Varric walked over to them, passed them nodding his head towards his room. They all quickly followed and watched as Varric down three shots of the potent whiskey he had kept in his cupboard.

"Bartrand betrayed us and left us to rot." He took another shot, "we found a lot of treasure but barely got out of there." Aveline was the one to ask the question the others could not "You are accounted for, the others?"

"Anders went down to his clinic, he pushed himself too much in the Deep Roads, if it wasn't for him...." Varric shook his head sadly. "Hawke went home to break the news to Leandra, when he gets here he is going to need a lot of booze."

Fenris looked at Varric, "Why is Hawke breaking news to Leandra, and why will he need to drink?" 

Varric couldn't quite meet anyone's eyes at he grasped tightly at the bottle, "Carver," they all tensed at Varric referring to the younger Hawke by his actual name, "Carver fought so damn hard keeping Hawke safe, he was overwhelmed and caught the taint."

Merrill started crying softly, Isabela and Aveline went pale and tight, and Fenris barely reacted, only a line appearing between his eyes.

"Anders knew of some Grey Wardens in the area, we managed to get Carver to them, and they promised Anders to try the Joining with him, but the taint was moving quickly through him, and the Joining can apparently be fatal. It gave him a chance, but we have no idea if he is alive or dead." Varric hung his head, tired so very tired.

The women seemed grief stricken, and Fenris simply walked out, and no one saw him for six months.


	7. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes, letters are sent and received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever I tweaked a circumstance to better suit my plots needs.

For six months no one saw Fenris, though the slaver corpses found on the wounded coast suggested that he was still around.

For six months the Hawkes petitioned the Viscount, until their house and name was restored.

For six months Leandra mourned, and Garrett drank. For six months the companions left tried to offer comfort and aid where they could. Isabela tried to help Garrett fuck the pain away, Aveline kept him busy helping the guard, Anders tried to teach Garrett healing magic, Varric invested the Deep Roads treasure, Merrill baked bread for the family.

For six months there was no word from or about Carver.

They had all just finished cleaning the estate and moving Leandra Hawke (now Lady Amell) in, when word finally came. It was a simple letter, barely a few sentences but it was enough.

  
_Mother,_

__  
I am alive and well.  


_Carver  
_

__  
  


_  
_Leandra cried happy tears, Garrett drank for pleasure instead of escape, and everyone else was relieved.  They wished they knew how to find Fenris (Isabela seemed especially keen that he should know this news) but he was still missing.  They settled for leaving a note inside the mansion, in his bedroom, in case he should ever return (they were not privy to what Carver had known and didn't realize that leaving a note was useless).  They all tried to move on, now that the worry was passed, and eventually they grew accustomed to the Carver shaped hole in their lives.

3 months later Fenris showed up at Anders' clinic a rather large gash in his leg, one that he had been unable to attend to on his own.  He hated going to the Healer, but also didn't want to get an infection and die, no matter how lonely and angry he felt.  He was pleased though to find that Hawke was there, so that at least he did not have to suffer the abomination alone.  They were suprised to see him, but quickly set about healing Fenris, with Garrett expressing how much Fenris was missed.  Anders snorted at the sentiment, but did his job well, no one (not even Fenris) could say that Anders did not care greatly for his patients.  Fenris tried to tune out the conversation around him, wanting to be healed and just disappear again, but froze at something Anders said.

"What do you mean correspondence from Carver?" he asked belligerently.

"Haven't you been to your room?  We left you a note months ago, Carver sent word, he survived the joining."  Rather than admit that he had ignored the note as he couldn't read it, he implied that he had not seen a note.  Leg healed, Fenris hopped off the table and looked to Hawke, "I will now be back at the mansion, should you have need of my sword, I will be available."  The two men just looked confused at this sudden return and shook their heads.

 

3 months after that letters began to arrive steadily from Carver.  They wondered why it had taken so long for Carver to correspond with them, but Anders explained that Wardens were supposed to sever ties to their past life, and that Carver would have been training, and fighting, showing that his first loyalty was to the wardens, before he could start sending letters back.

  
All the companions received at least one letter.  To Aveline he sent his regrets at being such a prat about the guard (Aveline now regretted her rejections, for if she had taken him in, he'd still be with them), Varric recieved a bank note with a request for investment management, Merrill got sent dried flowers from the area where Carver was to help decorate her home.  To Anders he sent simple thanks for his life, as no matter how he felt about the wardens, he was grateful to be alive.  Isabela received a book, which at first she couldn't understand why he sent her a book entitled _The Flora and Fauna of the Nothern Free Marches_ until she opened it and saw that it was filled with dirty poems, and intriguing illustrations.  She laughed out loud, and raised her glass in a silent toast.

 

Garrett received a simple letter, spare, but to the point:

_Brother,_

_It wasn't your fault.  Take care of Mother.  
_

_Love,  
_

_Carver  
_

Garrett was quietly pleased with this, knowing that if Carver actually wrote the word love, it was truly meant.

Leandra received much more detailed letters, with the occasional gift of lace, or flowers, something that Carver came across in his travels.

  
Fenris received no such letters.  He knew why, Carver knew that he couldn't read, what would be the point after all.  Still seeing that the others had gifts and words saddened him greatly.  He had believed Carver that the kiss meant something, but that feeling had clearly now passed the boy.  He had no doubt found new companionship, friends with the wardens, and had no time for a broken elf.  If he drank and brooded more while everyone discussed the letters they had received, no one notice except Isabela, and she only gave him a sympathetic look but never said a word.

 

One month after that, Fenris heard a polite knock at his door.  It was a familiar knock, once heard well over a year ago.  "Mistress Hawke," he started to great her, "My apologies, I mean Lady Amell to what do I owe this visit?"  He gestured her into the house.  "Is everything well with Hawke?" 

"Yes, everything is fine with him.  Is there somewhere comfortable we might speak?"  With a nod and a gesture Fenris led her to the room he occupied and pulled out a chair for her to sit on.  She carried with her a small bag, from within she pulled a stack of envelopes, some thin, some thick, they were tied together with a red velvet ribbon.  "These are for you."  Fenris looked confused, "I do not understand, what are for me?"  "These letters, it seems that Carver has written a note to you at least once a week the entire time he has been gone."  Fenris paled, then flushed, he started to reach out a finger to touch the stack, but quickly pulled himself back, hating that he had revealed himself so thoroughly.  "It is alright, I haven't opened them, I just collected them, kept them safe and tied them together."

"Why would he...." he paused, not knowing what he really wanted to ask.

"Why would he write you, why would he send them to me, why am I here with them now?"  Fenris nodded to her, wanting the answer to all those questions.  "Well the simplest part was that he sent them to me, so as to not draw attention to your home.  If mail started to arrive here, it would defeat the puporse of the mansion looking abandoned."  Yes that made sense and was actually very considerate of the boy.  "As to why I came now, I know the others received letters, and I thought you might be feeling left out, and as to why he would write you so many letters, I imagine that that answer is within these  pages."  She stood up, "I will leave you to them then, my dear. When he sends more, I will deliver them."  She made to exit, Fenris just staring at the stack.

"Wait!" Fenris called out.  He hung his head and said quietly, sadly, "I cannot read these."

"I know, Carver mentioned that in a letter to me.  He also mentioned that he had been going to teach you when he came back from the expedition."  Fenris nodded, and looked at Lady Amell, mouth silent, eyes pleading.  "We have two options, the first is that I can read the letters to you, and then transcribe any message you wish to send back.  I would imagine though that both of you would prefer those words and thoughts be kept private.  The second option is that I can come over here three times a week and teach you to read and write.  I taught the children you know."  She waited patiently for his response.

"I might be too old to learn, Lady Amell, and I get angry and frustrate easily."  He wanted her to know what she would be in for, if she did tutor him.

"No one is too old to learn, and you have to weigh your temper against your desire to know what my boy wanted to say to you."  She then added, softly, fondly "A person doesn't send this many notes unless they really care."

Fenris looked at her, "I would prefer that this would remain between us"  "Of course, would you like to begin right away?"  Fenris agreed.  "I just so happen to have brought with me Carver's favourite primer from when I taught him how to read."  Leandra sat back down and began the first lesson.

  
It was never easy, but Fenris was determined, and Leandra was patient (plus she learned that like her son, Fenris could be soothed with the promise of ginger snap cookies).  If Garrett wondered where his mother was going, or why Fenris stopped by the mansion so much, he said nothing.  After about six months Fenris dared to open the first letter from Carver, it contained a simple message written in clear block letters:  
  


_Fenris,_

_I am sorry that I couldn't be the one to teach you to read.  
_

_Carver  
_

The next few letters were similar, short and to the point with messages like: _I miss sparring with you._ or _Have you cleared out the corpses yet_ and _I hope that you are safe_.  Fenris realized that Carver had written the letters with Fenris skill levels in mind, as his lessons with Leandra grew more complex, it seemed that Carver's letters grew in message and depth, talking about missions he went on, what the other wardens were like, how his training was going.  The letters all closed the same:

_I miss you._

_Your friend,  
_

_Carver  
_

It was six another six months after that that Carver received his first reply from Fenris.  The hand was shaky and horribly angled, the message as simple as those first letters Carver had sent.

_You are missed as well._

_Fenris  
_

_  
_Carver hated to be so sentimental but he slept with that note under his pillow, and when he had to travel to fight Darkspawn, he put it in his armor as a good luck charm.  He never took off the ring Fenris had given him.

 

The two continued to exchange letters through Leandra, and she was delighted to be the middle man.  She found that she loved teaching Fenris, no matter how broody or frustrated he occasionally became.  It gave her a chance to know the man that her son had fallen for, and she appreciated feeling useful.  Fenris in turn appreciated learning, soaking up knowledge, and secretly he appreciated the mothering that came with the lessons.  If he went to the estate there was always tea and snacks, and soon beyond just the lessons they would converse about many things, acting as sort of a lifeline to each other, a connection to Carver.  Leandra wasn't even a little ashamed to divulge secrets of Carver's youth to Fenris, happy to have someone to share stories with.  And if Fenris sometimes teased Carver about this history in their letters, well that was all for the better in Leandra's mind.  Neither the elf or the lady expected to find friendship with each other, but that is what emerged over the next year and both were grateful for it.

 

It had been over three years since Carver had been gone, three years since he had seen his family and friends and Fenris.  His feelings had never changed.  Other wardens, approached him, but he wasn't interested - apparently his mother had been right about his heart always running true.  He was made fun of for his supposed celibacy, but he didn't really care.  He killed darkspawn and trained constantly and ignored most of those around him.  He never really settled in to Ansburg, but he never really settled into Kirkwall, so he was alright with that feeling.  Everyone regularly sent him letters and small gifts, but it was the occasional letter that he received from Fenris that really kept him going.  He had been trying to get leave, a short vacation for months, but Stroud never agreed, Carver was so low on in their minds that he figured it would be another year at least before he could get away for a few weeks.

He came in from the training yard, pleased with the ache in his muscles, more pleased that he had taken down three of the most annoying wardens at the compound.  His feeling of pleasure grew when he saw that a letter from Fenris had been pushed under his door.  He removed his armor and was sitting on his bed, wanting to be comfortable to read the note.  It was a good thing that he was sitting, as the note was short and to the point, as all of Fenris' letters tended to be.  It slipped from Carver's grasp and floated to the floor, words face up still visible:

 

_Carver,_

_Your mother has been murdered by a blood mage.  
_

_Hawke is not coping well.  
_

_Please come home.  
_

_I am so sorry.  
_

_Fenris  
_


	8. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carver comes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, not going to lie, this chapter will be a bit of a bummer. I'm really sorry for what is going to happen, but it fits in my head in terms of what these grieving, broken people would do. Just to add clarity, in terms of going AU, Fenris will have killed Hadriana off screen and not gone mental on the group afterwards, that anger was saved up for after Leandra's death. I wanted to do this, because of how in the last chapter they became friends. This will be referenced in the chapter, and for what happens off stage, once again I'm really sorry.

Carver went to Stroud to ask for a couple weeks leave to go help set his family to rights and to mourn his mother.  Stroud refused.  Carver nodded and left the mans office.  The next morning when Carver didn't show up for practice they went to his quarters and saw that his weapon was gone but his warden armor left on its stand with a note pinned to it: _Fuck you - I'm going to visit my mother's grave.  I'll be back when I said I would be, you can punish me then._ Stroud was furious, but a couple of the recuits were impressed at the warrior's balls.

  
Carver hitched a ride with a merchant caravan, offerring protection in exchange for the lift.  He arrived in Kirkwall a few days later, late at night and tried to figure out who to go to first.  He admitted to himself that he wanted to put off seeing his brother, as that would make it all real, and he wanted to pretend for a little while longer that his mother would be there at the estate he'd never seen properly fixed up and they would have tea and talk while she made him ginger snaps (she had taught him years ago how to make them, but they never tasted as good as when Mom made them).  He also wanted to avoid Fenris, but that was straight nerves.  Over his years with the wardens, Carver had become more confident and sure of himself and his place in the world, but the thought of seeing Fenris again turned him into a ball of goo and twitching fingers.  So in the end he did what any sensible person would do - he went to the Hanged Man.

  
He lucked out and Varric was in his room (though he wasn't sure how lucky it was, as unless he was with Hawke it seemed that Varric was always in his room).  Varric started to reach for Bianca as the very large and hooded man walked into his room with a sure step.  He blinked twice as if he couldn't believe his eyes when Carver pulled off his hood.  "Guess I really can't call you little Hawke anymore can I?"  Carver shrugged and blushed.  "Apparently I was due for a late growth spurt."  Varric snorted, "Yeah you could say that"  Thanks to that growth spurt and all the training and fighting, Carver had grown two inches taller, and while he had already been muscled he seemed almost like a mountain now.  "You sure there isn't a lost Kossith in your bloodline?"  Carver laughed politely and then looked at Varric seriously.  "Fenris sent word, how is he doing?" Varric knew that the he referred to Garrett.

  
Varric sighed, rubbed his neck, and gestured for Carver to sit.  He poured some whiskey for both of them and swallowed it quickly.  "Hawke's not..." he paused unsure of what he exactly wanted to say. "He's not been coping well.  I don't know what you were told, but it was bad, really bad down there.  It was the same guy we hunted a few years back, remember those missing women?"  Carver nodded, "well he took your mother, it was all for an experiment, a hideous blood magic ritual.  We got there too late to save her.  She had a chance to say goodbye to your brother, and then she was just gone.  Hawke just froze, seemed to break with it.  Fenris and I were the ones to carry her out.  Aveline and Anders got your brother home, broke the news to your uncle.  Sebastian, that prince we helped out, performed the ceremony.  It was nice as those things go.  Since then your brother has mostly holed up and drank in the mansion.  We can occasionally get him to go out to kill bad guys, but he really only is interested in going after blood mages.  He then goes back home, sits in the library and drinks some more."  Varric looked devestated at everything that has been happening.

  
"Has Isabela at least been looking after him?" Carver asked, knowing when he had left they had been hot and heavy and some of Garrett's letters slyly addressed just how fond of the pirate he was.  Varric winced and shook his head.  "It seems that just a couple of weeks before all this blew up, Isabela told him that he was getting too serious and that they had had their fun and needed to move on."

"Shit, Garrett was half in love with her."

"He still is from the looks he throws her when they go out fighting together.  I'd say she felt the same and just got spooked, but you try talking about feelings with Isabela.  She's terrified of being tied to anything but the sea."  Varric shook his head at the stupidly of his friends - this is why the only love in his life was for Bianca.  "We've all been doing what we can, stopping by, trying to lift his spirits, but it's a good thing you came."

Carver stood, shoulders squaring. "Right then, I'm off to the house.  Thanks Varric."  He walked out, and Varric sat amazed at the changes three years had wrought in the boy.

*******************************

Garrett sat in an uncomfortable chair in front of the fire in the library.  There was a bottle of whiskey in hand, and a mabari at his feet, offerring what solace it could.  The whiskey never numbed the mage as much as he wished it did, but it took enough of the edge off that maybe after a few more drinks he might be able to walk past his mother's door without becoming enraged.  He heard the door open and heavy footsteps.  The mabari woofed and went to greet the person, incredibly happy at who had come through the door.  Garrett looked at the person who crouched before him, unsure if he had drunk enough to cause hallucinations - but no way would he have hallucinated a larger version of his brother, so it must be real.  "What do the wardens feed you people?" was all he managed to say before passing out. 

Carver shook his head and pulled his brother out of the chair.  Garrett was by no means a small man but Carver was able to sling him over his shoulders.  He left the room and ran into a very scared looking elf.  "It's alright, I'm Carver Hawke."  She  seemed to breathe easier at that.  "Mistress Amell talked of you,  I am sorry your Mama has died." She managed to say quietly.  "Could you show me where Garrett's room is, then bring some hot water, and then tea and a light snack?" She nodded and gestured him to follow her.  He deposited his brother on the bed and looked around, impressed with the room.  The elf, Orana he later learned, return with everything a few minutes later.  "Thank you.  In the morning could you see that a hearty breakfast is prepared?"  She agreed and left the room.  Carver stripped his brother to his smalls and sponged him off.  It helped with the grime and taint of alcohol that had seemed to settle on the mage.  He ate his snack and stood silent vigil over his brother.

In the morning Garrett woke, unsure why he was stripped down and how he had made it to his room.  He looked around, and saw Carver reading by the fireplace.  He couldn't believe it was real and spoke quietly due to his hangover, due to his shock, "Carver" was all he said.

"Yeah I'm here."  he looked at his older brother, "Good thing too, because you look like crap."  Garrett managed a rusty laugh at that.  "You don't, you look good, little brother."  He was so happy to see Carver that for a moment he forgot why Carver might be there in the first place.  He then realized why he was there and seemed to just collapse in on himself.  "Carver, mother..."

"I know, Fenris sent word, but we'll talk about her in a while, once we've got you all squared away."  Carver stood, "Get clean, get dressed, and meet me downstairs breakfast.  We'll get everything sorted, I promise."  Garrett stared after his brother, wondering at the confident man he had now become.

It took two days to get all the alcohol cleared out of Garrett.  Aveline stopped by in that time, while Garrett was having a nap and she and Carver talked of fighting, of Ostagar, of what was happening in Kirkwall.  They reached a level of respect for each other that could not have happened if Carver hadn't left.  He still hadn't been to visit Fenris, using the excuse of caring for Garrett.  But when Garrett came down from his nap, he looked the best he had since Carver had arrived, and looking at Aveline's face, it must be the best that Garrett had looked in awhile.  She said goodbye and left the brothers alone.

"I think I am ready to talk about it all Carver, but you've been cooped up with me, go out for a walk, get some fresh air, and then we'll talk"  Carver agreed and headed out and before he knew it his feet had taken him to Fenris' door.  He knocked and walked in, curious what he would find after three years.  What he found was the mansion looking cleaner than he had ever seen it, furniture in place, no bodies, no dust, no growing mushrooms.  It still looked empty, but not haunted mansion empty.  "Fenris?" He called out.  Fenris quickly materialized at the top of the stairs, and looked down.  They looked at each other and Carver thought that Fenris was even more handsome than he remembered.  Then Fenris smiled, a real smile, and Carver felt his heart fall apart and reshape itself.  He had known he was enamoured of the elf, but that smile made him realize just how in love he was. "Hi there." was all Carver managed to say.

By the time he had walked up the stairs to meet Fenris, the smile had faded.  Shoulders began to hunch and he couldn't meet the younger man's eyes.  With his eyes focused downward he was able to see Carver's hand reach up. "May I?" Fenris nodded and felt that hand envelop the back of his neck.  This one hand felt closer than a full body hug, and Fenris let himself arch into that touch just a little bit and closed his eyes.  "I am sorry about your mother Carver, she was..." Fenris seemed to choke up a little "very kind to me."

"I know.  She wrote about you to me a fair bit you know.  She considered you a dear friend Fenris, almost another son.  You have as much right to mourn her as the rest of us."  Carver could feel Fenris' neck tense under his hand at those words.  Fenris shook his head as if to negate that statement.  "You exagerate, but it is sweet of you to say.  Come." Fenris led Carver into his main living area and the two sat close on a bench.  They looked at each other, both wanting to say so much, neither knowing where to start. Carver decided to start with something casual, "The place looks good, better than I remember."

"Your mother seemed to disapprove of the level of grime that I was content with.  We cleaned while having grammar tests.  If I spelled something wrong, more cleaning was to be done."  Carver laughed, that sounded exactly like something his mother would do.  That Fenris put up with it, was a testament to how much he must of cared for Leandra.

"Speaking of cleaning, how did Garrett end up with that elf, Orana is it?" Fenris paused at the question and his eyes darkened.  "She is the only slave that survived Hadriana's blood magic slaughter.  After we killed my master's apprentice, Hawke gave her a job.  She is very slowly growing to accept freedom."

"His apprentice, has Danarius come for you?"  Carver started to grow angry at the thought of anyone trying to cage Fenris again.  "No he is not yet come, and I would imagine the loss of Hadriana will have him thinking twice about trying to retrieve me."  This time when Fenris smiled, it had a feral edge.

They spent time talking about the last few years, which often would stray into Fenris' memories of Leandra.  Both seemed to gain some peace from these stories, and Carver could listen to Fenris talk all day.  Fenris was skirting around the death though, and Carver wanted more details before he really talked with Garrett. "Tell me what happened Fenris," and so Fenris explained what happened quietly, stuttering when he came to their first glimpse of the horrors of what Leandra became.  Carver clenched and unclenched his fists, a tear fell and he didn't care.  When Fenris got to the end of the story Carver asked, "Varric said you've all been trying to get Garrett out of his slump, did you manage to help?"  Fenris froze at the question and just seemed to shut down and wouldn't even look in Carver's direction.  "Fenris, what's wrong, what happened?"

Fenris seemed to take awhile to think over his words before he begain to speak carefully, in almost a monotone, "I went to see Hawke after the funeral, to offer comfort.  He did not know about the reading lessons or the time Leandra and I spent together, but since I knew her better than the others, I thought I might be able to say something, to help.  But..."   "But what?" "We ended up arguing about magic, blood mages, and the like.  Things did not end how I intended."  Fenris still refused to look at Carver, and Carver figured that he was upset at fighting with his good friend.  "Look, I'm sure you both said things you regret, and you'll apologize and go back to being friends.  Garrett can never hold a grudge."  Fenris nodded but said nothing.  "I need to get back to Garrett, he and I need to talk about things, but I am in town for a few days, maybe you and I could have dinner, or spar together again.  I've missed that - I've missed you."  The last was said very quietly.  For a moment Fenris looked at him, hopeful, but that look quickly faded. "We shall see." was all he said to that "You should go home to your brother."  Carver was a little confused at the dismissal, but Fenris did have a point.  He touched his hand to the elf's and then quietly left.  As he got to the door he thought he heard glass shatter, but wasn't sure and decided to continue on home.

 

**************************************

  
That night the brothers Hawke had an enjoyable dinner and skirted around Leandra's death.  Instead they talked about happy times back in Ferelden, the memories soothing them both.  The next day they gathered up Varric and Merrill and went to kill giant spiders up at the Bone Pit, for old time's sake.  They went back to the Hanged Man, everyone pleased with a mission well done, the miners now safe.  Isabela was standing at the bar, chatting with Anders.  Garrett looked at her longingly, turned and left.  Carver couldn't help but notice that Isabela looked sad and that her eyes tracked Garrett as he left, but Carver knew better than to get involved in that mess.  He followed Garrett out.

That night the brothers drank in the library, though not so much as to get wasted.  Garrett finally was able to open up about Leandra's death, about the guilt he felt about not arriving in time, about not having stopped the murderer years ago when he had the chance.  Carver offerred what sympathy he could and a quiet settled over them both.  After awhile Garrett said softly, "I really miss Bela, I know I should be focused on Mother, but I just wish..."  "Yeah, I know."  Carver actually leaned over and hugged his brother. "It's okay to miss your girl, you know that Mother was a sucker for romance, look at how she was helping me with Fenris." 

"Wait, what?"

"What, what?" Carver asked.

"Helping you with Fenris how?" Garrett looked confused and worried.  "Well, before the Deep Roads I had had a huge crush on him, and we had started to get closer.  After, I wanted to write to him, but he couldn't read, so Mother agreed to teach him, so that he could read the letters that I sent."  The years with the wardens had brought maturity to Carver, and with his brother he could more easily talk about his feelings. "She collected them for me, and brought them over to him.  That is why they seemed to spend so much time together."  Garrett looked like he had taken a shield to the face, as points fell into place.

"I had wondered why he was around so much." Garrett paused, "So that is why he seemed so broken up after Mother's funeral, when he came to talk.  He was so angry at her death, so angry at magic, we started to fight a bit..." Garrett paled suddenly.  "He said that you two fought, he seemed upset about it." Carver added when Garrett couldn't go on.

"Shit Carver, I didn't know, I didn't know about you and....if I had known..." Garrett couldn't seem to finish a sentence.

"What Garrett?" Carver was just plain confused that Garrett seemed to lose the powers of conversation now, after they were done discussing Mother's death.

Garrett swallowed the rest of his drink.  "We fought about magic, both of us were pretty drunk.  He yelled and started to storm out, I grabbed his arm - you know how he feels about being touched" Carver was listening but his brain though, I can touch him, "he slammed me into the wall."

"So you two brawled a bit, you can get over that" Carver still didn't see what the problem was.

"We didn't brawl Carver"  Garrett said nothing else, just looked at his brother with a devestated face.  It took a moment for the penny to drop.

"Oh." was all Carver could think to say.  The silence was heavy and sad and Garrett tried to explain it away.  "It was just a one off thing, we don't like each other, after we agreed we didn't want more or anything else from each other.  I think we were just so sad, and angry, and I was missing Bela so much, and..."

"Garrett stop, just stop"  Carver stood up quietly "I can't be in here right now."  He turned and left the library, not looking back at his brother.  Garrett knew his relationship with Carver had always been fragile, now he wondered if he had broken it completely.

  
*******************************

Fenris wasn't quite yet drunk, but was making a heroic effort to get there when there was a heavy banging at his door.  He didn't get up, he knew who it was and why he was there.  He heard the footsteps walking through the mansion, steps that any other time would have made him happy,, but now just made him sad, he knew that Carver was here to end whatever it was they had had.

Carver walked in the room, his face stony, and Fenris realized just how openly Carver had worn his feelings before.  This blankness hurt Fenris in a way he didn't expect and he hunched in on himself and couldn't meet Carver's eye.

"How was it?" Fenris couldn't help but look up at the bitter question. "Come on Fenris, how was fucking my brother? Was it fun, did it make you feel better?  Did having sex with Garrett making it easier to mourn the loss of Mother?"  Fenris didn't have any answers for the rapid fire questions and he could see Carver getting angrier with each word.  "Seriously Fenris, what the fuck?" Carver started to pace and Fenris realized how annoying it was, and wondered if it drove everyone as crazy when he stalked back and forth.  "I thought that you were the one person who saw _me_. Instead what, you're like all the rest and it is all about him?"

For that Fenris actually had an anwer, though a short one, "No"

"No what?"

"It is not all about Hawke."  Fenris paused, knowing that Carver deserved an explanation, but there really wasn't one to give, not one that would carry any weight, "it was not about him, it was just...it was just a release of emotion." It was a weak excuse but it was all he had.

"Well was it worth it, answer my first question, was it good?  Did he have you, or did you have him? Was it gentle or hard, did you scream his name?" With each question Carver seemed to travel from anger to abject sadness.

"What will answering any of those serve you, besides making it worse?" Fenris asked, "It was one night, neither of us wants a repeat of it, I do not believe if we had a choice to go back that we would choose the same course of action, but it is done.  For a couple of hours we were both able to forget that we were missing people desperately, your mother, Bela..." Fenris paused seeming like he wanted to add another to the list, but Carver didn't want to believe that Fenris had missed him that much, it would only make everything worse.  

A few years ago Carver would have stormed out, tripping on something along the way, but the years had added not just bulk and height to his body, but a certain grace as well and he got ready to walk away.  "Three years I thought of you, thought of what would have happened if I had come back home with everyone.  Your first letter you sent, I carried it with me everywhere.  I thought that maybe I meant something to someone, somewhere and it was what kept me alive, kept me fighting.  I didn't even look at anyone else, and did I get teased a lot for that, but I didn't care."  Carver's face was sad but resolute.  "I don't know if I can stop loving you, but I can sure as hell try."  He started to walk out, determined to not look back, but couldn't help but pause at the doorway, "Did I matter to you at all?"

"Too much" was the barely heard reply.  Carver nodded and walked out the door.

***********************

Garrett was pretty much where Carver had left him, but luckily he hadn't had anymore to drink, wanting to be relatively sober for whatever Carver wanted to say when he got back.  Carver stood in the library's doorway and simply sad "Come on then." Garrett followed Carver into the kitchen, confused when Carver put on Orana's apron, and he couldn't help but smile at the image of the big bad warrior wearing an elf's lacy cooking apron.

"What are you doing?"

"We need Mother, but since we can't have her, we need something that feels like her." Carver grabbed a mixing bowl and started hunting for ingredients.  Garrett soon realized that Carver was making ginger snaps, and he couldn't help but start to cry a little.  "Right now big brother I am really, really angry." Carver said this very calmly as he added spices to the flour. "This isn't one of the girls from Lothering that I would flirt with, and you would bed.  This was Fenris, and I am crazy in love with him, always had been."  He paused to mix the butter and sugar together. "I even made a Bethany style list to try to win his affection" Garrett couldn't help but laugh at that.  "and you went and fucked the only man I've ever wanted."  He carefully broke eggs into the butter, mixing furiously.  "You didn't know how I felt, but he had an idea of it, and now I just don't know what to feel, about him, about you, about me."  Molasses was poured in.  "So I'm doing what Mother would do, I'm making cookies and I'm going to pretend that they can fix everything, because she knew that a few of these made the world a little easier to deal with."  He finished mixing up the batter and put it on a baking sheet and tossed it into the oven.

"So tell me Garrett where do we go from here?"

Garrett couldn't believe that this was his hot headed brother standing so calmly before him, and he realized just how much he had missed with Carver being gone the last few years.  "I don't know.  I am so sorry." They sat in silence for a few minutes and Carver pulled the cookies out.  They let them cool a little and then ate two a piece and Garrett smiled, "They taste just like hers.  Thank you for this," he then dared to ask a question "Are we going to be fine?"

Carver looked at him and offerred a small smile, "Eventually.  If I don't die in the Deep Roads in the next little bit, I'd imagine I'll be able to move past this."

"That's not a very funny joke."

"Who said it was a joke?" Carver looked at him, "I get close to death on a very regular basis, in ways you can't understand, and I don't want you to.  I don't have the luxury of time to hold a grudge anymore, not like I did before.  I am angry right now, I'm hurt, and something's been broken that will not be easy to repair, but I'll get there."  Carver looked at his brother, "We're all that's left, and they would be furious with us if we didn't eventually fix this." Garrett nodded and had another cookie.

"And what about him?" it was this question that had Carver looking less like a stoic warrior, and more like the boy that Garrett had once known.  

"I don't know," Carver couldn't look up from the table. "I was just crazy about him, you know?  I wrote him every week, and when he would write me back, and I got that letter it would make the day brighter, make me believe that I couldn't die that day." he paused, "right now, it just hurst so much, I don't know how to get over that, or if I even want to."

"Carver," Garrett tried to think of what to say, "what would Mother tell you to do?"  Carver thought about it for a minute, smiled sadly and nodded.  

"I'll be leaving tomorrow.  Technically I never had leave approved, so I am going to be in a heap of trouble.  I don't think I'll be able to write for awhile, so don't be surprised if you don't hear from me."  They stood and rounded the table.  They hugged, a mix of desperation, hurt, and love was felt in that embrace.  They walked away from each other, knowing that there wasn't really anything else to say.

*********************************

The next morning Fenris woke to the slamming of a door.  He winced at the noise, horrifically hung over.  He walked to the landing, looking for the person who had made the clammer, but realized that it had been the sound of someone leaving, and not arriving.  He was confused because if it was thieves, nothing looked different, and if it had been one of the companions that would have stayed to converse.   He walked down to the main level and then noticed a box on a table, tied with a red ribbon, not unlike the one Leandra had used to tie Carver's letters together.  Fenris' hands shook as he untied the bow, and as he opened the box the smell hit him.  There was no note, just a pile of ginger snaps nestled in a pretty napkin.  He slowly made his way back up the stairs to his room.

  
Once there he put the box down and went over to to the night table by his bed.  From inside he pulled out Carver's letters, and unwrapped the ribbon from around them.  He took Leandra's ribbon, and took the one from around the cookie box and tied them together.  He then bound this around his wrist, and for the first time in the whole of his memory - Fenris wept.

 


	9. The In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time Passes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a series of brief scenes to get us through/past the end of Act II. Time might seem to move funny in here a bit, but the two parallel stories don't have to completely line up time wise. (what is hours in the Fenris line, is days in the Carver hope it's not too confusing).

Everyone in the compound was impressed that Carver didn't cry out once, chained, bleeding.  Stroud was determined to break him, angry that the young man wouldn't.  By the 20th lash he gave up saying that that was all the punishment needed for abandoning his post. Carver didn't say a word as he was unchained.  It's easy not to feel physical pain, when inside you are so very numb.

 

Despite being numbed by copious amounts of wine, Fenris certainly felt it when Hawke delivered a swift one-two combo punch to his face.  He hoped nothing was broken.  Hawke walked out, having never said a word.

 

It was generally agreed that if you drew a shift with Carver in the Deep Roads stay well back, away from his blade, away from the emptiness in his eyes.

 

"I'm only here because I there are missing Qunari Delegates.  I would honestly prefer to never speak to you again." "I undertand Hawke.  I will do my best to assist." Fenris picked up his blade and followed Hawke out the door.

 

Carver got a little tipsy at dinner and tried to flirt with a new mage recruit.  It didn't go well, but at least it only took her a week to stop passing out whenever Carver looked in her direction.

 

Fenris stopped a blade from carving Hawke in half, Hawke nodded in thanks.

 

Carver burnt all of Fenris' letters, except the first one - that one he just couldn't let go of.

 

He dropped down into the seat beside Isabela and started to drink.  They had killed a bottle of whiskey before he asked, "So which of us is the greater fool?"  Isabela just shook her head and poured them both a drink and would never admit that everytime the door to the bar opened she hoped she would see Hawke.

 

Stroud barged into Carver's room without knocking.  "Pack your bags.  Leave anything we gave you.  You will be re-kitted when you arrive at your new post.  You are being transferred, sent to where we send all our problem wardens, the ones we consider a joke."  He felt petty but he wanted to get a reaction from the boy, but all he got was a nod.

 

Hawke, Fenris, and Merrill stood there watching Aveline make a fool of herself.  Merrill found it adorable, both men wincing in pain, seeing someone in love with an actual chance at happiness.  Fenris was the one to break first and say something, "She loves you.  All this has been foolish...and admirable.  Don't waste this chance."  He walked away, not seeing Hawke's sympathetic gaze.

 

Within three steps off the ship Carver could smell mud and dog, and the burdens his heart were carrying felt a little lighter.

 

Fenris sat in a pew looking lost.  Sebastian sat beside him.  What seemed like an eternity later he asked, "Can anyone be forgiven?" Sebastian said, "Yes, if they are truly sorry and wish to repent, any sin can be forgiven." Fenris nodded and left the chantry.

 

Aedan Cousland was an intimidating sight as looked at the letter Stroud had sent along with Carver.  Carver could admit to himself that was nervous as hell standing in front of the Hero of Ferelden.  Aedan frowned some more at the letter.  "It says here that you show no care for the wardens and abandoned them without reason." Carver fairly snarled, "My mother was murdered, I asked for leave and when it was refused I went home anyways."  Carver almost stepped back, stunned at the beauty of Aedan's smile, "Welcome to the island of misfits son, let's get you sorted."  He clapped Carver on the shoulder and they headed to the armory.

 

Donnic was a little scared, but determined.  He knocked and walked in.  When Fenris appeared carrying that monstrous blade, Donnic held up a bottle of wine and a pack of cards.  Thus Fenris gained a friend.

 

For the first time in a long time, Carver laughed out loud as he watched Sigrun and Zevran team up and tease Nathaniel.  Aedan smiled, pleased that the young man was starting to settle in.

 

"Did you know how much he loved you?" Hawke asked as he and Fenris sat in front of the library.  They had started to talk a little more, mend their friendship, though it would never be the same.  Fenris shook his head, but then nodded and looked up at Hawke who had never seen such puppy eyes in his life, and Hawke felt his anger melt away, helpless against that lost and sad face.  "I....knew he felt...." Fenris couldn't help but blush.  "He kissed me, told me it meant something.  Then he was gone.   His letters were full of...." Fenris couldn't seem to be able to put words together, "it was three years...he could do better than me."  He looked down at his hands, at the ribbon on his wrist, "Whatever might have been does not matter now, I have destroyed that possibility, just as I destroy everything good around me."  Hawke for all his jokes and sarcasm, couldn't stand to see anyone in pain and hugged Fenris.  "You must not know Carver that well then, to think he could move on easily even after what happened.  You might want to reread those letters he sent, see if you can figure some things out."

 

Carver watched Aedan and Zevran fight in the practice yard with something approaching awe.  They were so in sync, holding nothing back, practically feral in the fight, but clearly, desperately in love.  He wonders if that is what he and Fenris would have looked like if they had had years together.

 

Fenris reread Carver's letters, going over them again and again until the pages began to wear down.  For the first time he saw how much Carver had cared, he thought back to the year they had known each other, and realized that all the stumbling, all the awkwardness was affection.  He realized that Leandra had been right - they were both idiots.

 

Carver didn't realize at first that Jowan was flirting with him, he had just been happy to have a mage to hang around with, it felt like being near Garrett again.  It took the mage corning him and kissing the hell out of him, for him to realize what had happened.  Jown asked it that had been okay, and all Carver could say was, "I don't know." Jowan nodded and walked away.

 

Fenris stood beside Hawke as the Viscount cradled his son's body.  They looked at each other and nodded.  They knew that things were about to get very bad.

 

Zevran sat in front of Carver and smiled charmingly, but Carver seemed immune.  "Everyone at some point stares at me, wanting something, but not you? I am curious why that is?"  "There's only one elf I've ever wanted, and you ain't him." Carver mutters, wondering why Zevran is asking about this.  "Do you want him still?" Carver at first tries to deny it, but then reluctantly nods.  "Then do not play with our mage's affections, he has been through a lot and does not deserve to be your distraction." Zevran sounds vaguely threatening and Carver agrees.  He goes to find Jowan and let down.  Jowan is fine with the rejection, they are friends after all.

 

Fenris sees Hawke break into little pieces when he realizes that Isabela that left with the Tome.  It is only for a moment, before he squares his shoulders, but in that moment he sees how much Carver and Hawke look alike when you see their heart break.

 

Carver has a new best friend.  He and Alistair get along like famously - they love sparring together.  Alistair debates stealing Carver away for Soldier's Peak, which he heads up while Aedan runs Amaranthine.  Instead he leaves with Jowan, and both men stutter and blush when they try to have a conversation.  It makes Carver think of how he was around Fenris at first and the memories don't claw at him anymore.  He goes to his room and slides the ring back on his finger, the ring he had squirreled away at the bottom of his pack, never quite able to get rid of it.

 

Stroud is almost killed not by the Qunari but by Fenris when Hawke asks about his brother after the fighting in the alley is done.  When he says, "That boy is no longer a concern" Fenris growls and lights up, prepared to tear out hearts.  Hawke is right there with him, readying a lightening spell.  One of the other men realizes the danger and quickly yells out, "He's not dead, he was transferred to Ferelden."  Hawke and Fenris stand down.

 

Carver writes a letter to Fenris, but isn't ready to send it yet.

 

Fenris watches Hawke's heart get remade as Isabela walks into the hall with the Tome.  His smile is luminous and turns quickly cold at the thought of the Arishok taking his girl away.  Fenris had never seen a mage so powerful as he destroys the Qunari, but instead of fear, he feels only awe.

 

Carver dithers over the letter, until Zevran gets fed up, breaks into his room and puts it into the post.  Carver tries to be mad, but is thankful someone took the decision out of his hands.

 

Fenris learns that tears can come in different forms, that there are such things as happy ones, as reads the letter that Hawke dropped off again and again.  He folds it and tucks it into his armor, just as Carver had done with the first letter Fenris had sent.

 

Carver puts the sketch of his mother that Fenris sent on his mantle.  He had never known that the elf could draw.

 

Hawke drops another letter off, "You break his heart again, I won't need magic lyrium brans to pluck yours out - I'll just claw it out with my bare hands."  Fenris nods, thinking that this threat is only fair.

 

Things aren't really fixed, aren't completely better, but maybe one day, they can be.

 

 


	10. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have the Carver and Nathaniel in the Deep Roads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer to put up than I like, but what I had planned just wasn't working out like I wanted and had to be scrapped. So here we are at the beginning of Act III and our dear wardens are trapped in the Deep Roads and needing of a rescue.

"What in the actual fuck do you mean red lyrium??!!!"  Aedan yelled across the table.  It was loud enough that the whole table flinched.  They had been playing cards and talking and Carver realized that he had never told his friends about how he became a warden.  It was weird that in three years it had never come up, but there had always been too many other things to talk about - Oghren's drinking, when would Nathaniel finally admit how much he adored Sigrun (answer to that one was two years), could Velanna wipe everyone's mind when they inevitably came across Zev and their commander having fun, what brought Carver to the wardens just never came up (and alright, maybe he hadn't really ever wanted it to, most of the people here chose to be wardens and for him it was a last hope and he didn't want to be viewed as less than).

"Sir?" Carver asked confused.

"I thought the question was simple Hawke, what do you mean red lyrium?" He was never sure how he felt about being called Hawke, that was his brother, but he answered his commander. "Aedan, we found a red lyrium idol in the Deep Roads, it was weird.  I told Stroud all about it, and how it was a part of my ending up with the wardens.  Didn't he tell you about it, in that letter that came with me?"

Aedan snorted and took a shot of whiskey, "All that letter said was that you were a pain in the ass, and an unfitting warden and I was to be stuck with you," Carver clenched his fists at this, "Oh relax, Stroud's just a bastard, I have never been anything but pleased with your commitment to the wardens, and you are good at killing darkspawn and training the new guys.  I tend not to care if people keep ties to old lives, so long as you do your damn job, which you do."  Carver relaxed, secretly pleased with the casual compliment's Cousland paid him.  Cousland rubbed his chin thoughtfully and you could see him and Zev doing that weird silent talking thing that could only happen between people who had been together forever.

"Right." Aedan nodded and thumped a hand on the table, "You and Nate are heading back to Kirkwall, back to the Deep Roads, seeing what else you can learn."

"What!" Both men shouted.

"You heard me.  Stroud might have investigated this, might have not, don't really care, they never tell me anything, so we check it out ourselves."  Aedan held up one of his massive hands before both men could lodge a protest, "As a bonus, Carver you can take a week leave to see you family, and Nate you can bring your sister along, I know that she wanted to set up some trading arrangments there."  Aedan stood and reached down to grab Zevran, "Go do a quick check, and then have some fun.  Shouldn't be any worries."

 

******************************

Carver wiped the sweat and blood from his brow, wondering how much of the blood was his.  He laughed darkly to himself, thinking that if this was the commander's definition of fun, Zevran was definitely doing something wrong.  He kept fighting as best he could, though he was pretty sure that he had a broken rib or two, and a couple of the arrows that pierced him had caused a fair bit of blood loss.  He wasn't sure how he got separated from the rest, but he hoped that they were alive and fighting well.  The ground trembled and a grunt and roar was heard.  He looked up and saw the ogre bearing down the steps.  Carver knew that he wasn't strong enough to take it down alone, he was just too beat up.  He thought there was something poetic about dying the same way as Bethany and he straightened his shoulders.  He would fight as long as he could, and tried not to think of what he still would have wanted from his life.  He looked at the ogre, calm and fierce and ready to die.

He heard a shout, what sounded like a primal scream and suddenly the ogre was convulsing from what seemed like a thousand lightening bolts.  He turned and saw his brother wreathed in energy, crackling with magic and Carver stood in awe.  He had known that his brother was strong, but this, this was something all together different.  He felt awash in calm and strength and realized that Anders had sent a rejuvination spell his way, he turned back and swung his maul at the fallen ogre caving his head in.  He went to fight some of the lesser spawn, but saw that they were being taken care of by Nate and Fenris.  Soon the battle was done, and Carver dropped to his knees panting, and Nathaniel was quickly at his side.

"How bad is it?" Nathaniel started to check the younger man over.  He had a great fondness for Carver, considered him not just a commrade, but a brother.  The two men had just clicked together years ago, and fought so well together that Aedan tended to pair them up whenever he could.  Carver tried to shrug, not wanting to worry the archer too much, "A couple broke ribs, a few arrows, no big deal."  While Carver was significantly bigger than Nathaniel, Nathaniel was able to help him stand easily, their bodies attuned to each other after years of fighting side by side.  Anders walked over to check Carver out, "if you can make it, I would prefer to heal you, not in the Deep Roads, somewhere where I can take the time do it properly." Carver nodded in agreement.

Garrett came up to Carver and smiled, nerves still a little shot from seeing an ogre bearing down on his little brother.  It had caused a horrible flashback, and even Garrett was shocked at the power he had wrought. "Hey little brother, need some help getting out of here?" He went to Carver's other side.  Nathaniel glowered a little at the elder Hawke, who was confused by the glare.  One drunken night, Carver had told Nathaniel everything about Fenris, about his brother, and Nathaniel being of a loyal nature couldn't help but be angry on his friend's behalf. "I have him." was all Nathaniel said as he tightened his grip.  Hawke backed away, unsure of what was going on, and no one noticed Fenris flinch as if struck by the sentence and the emotion in it.  Carver just huffed a little and shook his head at Nathaniel, "It's all fine, I promise." Nathaniel nodded and eased his grip.  Carver leaned on his brother and as they walked out of the Deep Roads he said quietly, "It's good to see you Garrett." Garrett smiled and they all went into the daylight.

 

*****************************

It was morning when they left the dark, and early afternoon when they set up camp.  Nathaniel was off hunting for food for the group, while Anders was putting Carver back together.  Hawke and Fenris were off gathering fire wood and setting up a perimeter, they figured even with Anders' healing Carver would be better for camping a night, than pushing on to the city.  When Hawke and Fenris returned Carver was stripped down to his breeches.  Anders had finished setting the ribs, and was working on removing the arrows.  The other two men stared at Carver's torso in shock, mouths agape.  Garrett was stunned by the marks covering his little brother's body, there were scars from lashing, arrows, blades, his body was a story of fighting, brutality, that he never wanted his brother to know.  Fenris was too busy gaping at the sweaty, shifting muscles to notice the scars.  Fenris realized that he was staring a little too much and averted his eyes, but a blush stained the tip of his ears nonetheless. 

As Fenris and Hawke prepped a fire circle, Anders declared Carver all fixed up and both men stood and stretched their spines out.  Fenris couldn't help but look at Carver's chest, at the tightness of his abs, at the way bone shifted under skin.  He swallowed thickly, loudly, and felt Hawke hit him.  He turned confused, and Hawke smirked, "That's my little brother, try not to make sexy noises when I am standing right next to you." Fenris hunched his shoulders, and Hawke regretted teasing the elf.  He sighed, "Go talk to Carver, you know you want to." He nudged his friend.  Fenris nodded and started to step forward, but that was when the archer returned.  The man dropped a brace of rabbits and hurried over to check Carver out.  He was running his hands over Carver's body, with a surety that suggested he had done this before.  Fenris' momentum was stopped as he watched stunned.  He shouldn't be surprised that the younger man had moved on.  He remembered the moment when Carver had said that he would try to get over Fenris, and it seemed that he had succeeded.  They had exchanged letters over the last few years, but they had been less frequent than before, more tentative in word and meaning.  As he saw Carver blush and swat away the other man's hands, Fenris finally saw all that he could have had, and all that he had lost.  He looked at the ribbons tied around his wrist, and thought himself a fool, for thinking he could repair whatever it was that he and Fenris might have had.  He turned back to the fire pit and saw Hawke look at him with sympathy.  He shook his head and stalked back into the woods, muttering something about more wood.  He felt too hollowed out to even cry.

 

*******************************

Evening was sinking into the camp, and all the men were full from the rabbit that Anders cooked over the fire.  Nathaniel sat close to Carver, but most of his attention was focused on his old friend and other fellow warden.  Anders was trying to explain everything that had happened, him and Justice, and he was suprised at how calm and accepting Nathaniel was being.  He had been worried that they might drag him back, but all Nathaniel said was, "Wouldn't you just escape the second you could?"  The two men talked amiably, pleased with each other's company, and Anders who had been looking so tired, managed to make a few jokes at Howe's expense.  Carver laughed at them and everytime he nudged his shoulder against Nate, or smiled in his direction, Fenris couldn't help but flinch.  Fenris felt sick watching all these happy people, and stood abruptly.  They all looked at him, and he muttered something about heading towards the water to wash up.  He stormed off, angry at himself for never seeing how much Carver had cared for him, seeing that affection turned towards another.  He quickly shed his armor and underclothes and dove into the water.  It wasn't a particularly deep bit of water, but went down enough that you could duck under and swim a little.  The water was tepid from the warm sun and Fenris stayed under until his lungs burned.  He repeated this a few times, until his limbs felt tired and his lungs pushed to their limits.  He started to head back to shore and saw Carver sitting there, by his clothes.

He stayed in the water, hyper aware of his own nudity, unsure if he should just walk out.  Carver looked at Fenris' torso, licked his lips and smiled at Fenris' awkward pose.  "You know, I was always the one who was unsure what do to, never you." Carver closed his eyes, "Come on then, you don't want to catch a chill." Fenris walked quickly to his pile of clothes and in just a few moments was covered again and felt more secure for it.  He was winding the ribbon around his wrist when Carver opened his eyes. The younger man looked to the scrap of red. "Is that from the box of ginger snaps I left?" Fenris nodded and added, "It is also what your mother tied your letters with." "Have you worn that all these years?" "Yes." Fenris said quietly.

Carver looked at the elf, noticing that Fenris couldn't really look him in the eye.  "Sit down, we should talk." Carver gestured to the sandy grass beside him and Fenris sat.  Neither man knew where to start, knowing that something had to be said, but unsure of what that was.  Carver ended up blurting out, "So in the last three years have you fucked my brother again?" Both men were shocked by that question.  Carver groaned.  No matter that he was nearing his late twenties, that in Amaranthine he was a confident man, someone that could actually manage to have a conversation, put him near Fenris and he was once again a youthful idiot.  Fenris was simply shocked by the bluntness of it all, and couldn't help but respond angrily "No, I have not fucked your brother again!"  He started to stand, furious that Carver had asked, furious that the man had every right to ask it.  He felt Carver's hand grabbed his wrist, right over where the ribbons rested. "Wait, please, I'm sorry."  Fenris hesitated and dropped back down to the ground.

Carver shook his head and looked at Fenris, "Why is it that you always manage to destroy me?  At home, at the Keep, I'm considered one of the best fighters, I actually train recruits on how to use a two hander, I sometimes even lead missions.  But I get around you, and everything just falls apart.  I can't say the right thing, I don't know what to do with my hands, I just become a mess."  He sighed, sounding both old and young at once. "Let me begin again.  How have you been Fenris?"

Fenris couldn't help but smile at Carver's awkwardness, "I have been well, and yourself?"

"Oh you know, pretty good, other than almost dying again, in the same area of the Deep Roads.  You'd think when I go, I'd at least add some variety." Carver laughed, but Fenris did not.  Fenris did not care for the idea of the younger man's death. Carver then said, "Sorry, we tend to joke about it a fair bit, death I mean." He shrugged, "Aedan tends to be proactive about the Deep Roads, we go down a fair bit, in order to keep Ferelden as free and safe as possible.  When you are that close to dying all the time, you have to joke, at least that what Sigrun figures.  Besides the Roads will get us one way or the other."  Fenris looked confused and Carver winced at how close he came to divulging warden secrets, "Never mind."

They both sat there for awhile, neither saying anything, just looking out to the water.  Neither knew how long they sat there, only knowing it was long enough for the stars to start to appear.  Fenris finally managed to say, "I am sorry." Carver nodded, "Yeah I know."

"I didn't realize, I never really understood, I just couldn't believe..." Fenris was stuttering, flailing for the words that needed to be said.

Carver just sighed, and said, "I never actually told you, how much you truly meant to me, I thought that you would just understand what I meant when I said I missed you."  Carver looked at the elf longingly, "I should have just flat out told you, I was crazy about you, that no one had ever meant as much to me as you did, that I would never want anyone but you.  But I was scared, I had never liked another guy like that before, hell I had never liked anyone ever that much before."  He smiled sadly, "Mother was right, I was an idiot."

Fenris laughed softly to himself, "You are aware, that she called me an idiot as well.  She was a wise, kind woman, I miss her still." "Me too." was all Carver added to that.  They were both quiet again, and both were looking at the red tied around Fenris' wrist.  Eventually Carver asked, "Why? Why is that tied around you, why is that tied around you three years later?"

It took Fenris some time before he could answer.  "It was a promise, a tribute," was all he could come up with at first.  Finally he added, "it was a way to keep you both with me, always."  He shrugged sadly, and looked back to camp, just barely seeing the fire.  "It does not matter now."

"Why doesn't it matter?" Carver asked quietly, and Fenris just shook his head refusing to answer.  As they sat unsure what more to say, Carver couldn't help but reach over and brush his hand against Fenris' hungry for contact.  He didn't try to connect their palms, just let his wide fingers just rest against the Fenris' long, almost delicate ones.  Carver soon said, "We should head back to camp."  The men stood and Fenris couldn't help but mutter bitterly, "Yes let us return to your lover."  Carver stumbled, unsure if he had heard Fenris correctly.

"Wait, what did you just say?" Fenris couldn't help but sneer, angry at himself for saying anything. "I said let us return to your lover, I am sure that he is missing you." Fenris was ready to storm back to camp, but Carver held him in place. Fenris tried to break free, but Carver was incredibly strong, the only way he could get out would be to use his brands, and no matter how embarrassed or angry he was, he could never bring harm to Carver.  He stilled himself, but refused to meet Carver's gaze.

"Do you mean Nathaniel?"

"Yes, the man who could not stop touching you, caring for you."

"Why would you care so much?" Fenris could not believe that Carver could ask that question with such a straight face. "I thought we were mending!" He could not help but yell, "I thought that maybe we would have a chance.  I know that you had said you wanted to stop loving me," saying this caused Fenris' voice to drop to barely a whisper, "but I thought that those few letters you sent, meant that you would forgive, that you might one day care again.  I thought...it meant something.  I was a fool."  Fenris hunched in on himself, hating that he laid himself so bare.  In a voice small and sad he added, "I hope you are happy.  I want you to be happy."  He head was ducked low, and thus he couldn't see Carver slowly smile, eyes luminous with unshed tears.

"Nathaniel is my commrade, my friend, my brother, and he happens to be madly in love with the sweetest dwarf you could ever meet."  Fenris could not think of a response to this.  "I did try to get over you, stop loving you.  Flirted a couple times - that went horribly.  Even kissed another guy, but never could feel a glimmer of anything for anyone else.  It seems you are stuck with me being nuts about you, wanting no one else but you."

"Oh" was all that Fenris could say.  He slowly looked up at Carver's face.  Carver slowly put a hand on Fenris' neck, and another on his cheek. He was large enough that this almost completely enveloped Fenris, but the elf didn't seem to feel caged, trapped.  Instead he was leaning forward into the touch.  Carver leaned down and softly kissed Fenris.  It was chaste, a quiet kiss, one of forgivness, one of understanding.  He pulled back and looked down.  "It that alright?" Carver asked, feeling shy and nervous.

"No." was all Fenris said before reaching up and hauling Carver down for a brutal, hungry, and possessive kiss.  It was all teeth and tongue, almost too much, but Carver just held on.  Both were breathless when Fenris let go.  Once Carver could think again he said, "You know, Nate and I we have a week's leave before we have to head back to Ferelden." Fenris smiled, it was not a sweet smile, but rather one of promise, dark, almost feral.  Carver shuddered, that look weakening his knees.

"We shall have to make the most of that time then." Fenris said, turning back to camp.  Carver followed and wondered what was going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woot, the boys are together! Right now the plan is 3-4 more chapters and sexy times are coming up. Next chapter should be up in a week, maybe a little less (it will include Danarius, and our boys are going to be so BAMF, it isn't even funny).


	11. Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danarius is evil, and sadistic, but his worst crime of all is being a horrible cock block.

Carver was so distracted with thoughts of Fenris and kisses and possibly more that he had no idea how they made it back to Kirkwall.  He was out of it enough that he crashed into the back of his brother as they all had stopped at the entrance gates.  Garrett stumbled having been hit by the mountain that was his little brother and Carver blushed when everyone looked at him.  Anders clapped Nathaniel on the shoulder and expressed pleasure at seeing him again.  The two men headed out, Anders to his clinic, Nathaniel to find his sister.  Garrett looked at Carver, "You coming to stay at the house for your leave?"  Carver looked to the ground and couldn't help but stammer, "ummm, actually I thought I might stay with ummm...you know...since I have only a little bit of time..."  Garrett smirked at his brother and Fenris, "Sure, I get it, you two want to make like bunnies." Fenris growled a little at his friend's teasing and Garrett laughed.  "You two have fun, I'm off to see Bela.  Stop by the house before you leave little brother." He walked off in the vague direction of the Hanged Man. 

Carver and Fenris stood there for a moment, seeming stuck to the ground.  "I never asked if it was alright, if I was welcome." Carver rubbed his neck, worried that he presumed too much.  Fenris shook his head, "You are always welcome by my side." The elf blushed as he said this, and the two began walking towards the broken down mansion.  They didn't hold hands as they went, but did brush against each other regularly, wanting to reassure themselves that the other was really there.  It wasn't too long before they were at Fenris' door and drifted inside.  As soon as the door was shut, Carver could no longer help himself and he bent down and kissed the elf.  It was a hungry, desperate kiss, one full of longing and promise and the need of a young man who had denied himself pleasure for so much time.  Fenris was enveloped by the larger man, encased in arms, trapped by wanting lips and enjoying every second of it.  Eventually the two had to come up for air and they looked at each other gasping just a little.

"Before we continue, we might want to have a proper bath," Fenris suggested.  He wanted them both clean, but also wanted the time that bathing would allow in order to sort out his feelings.  Carver nodded understanding what Fenris meant, what Fenris wanted.  Fenris showed Carver to the bathing chamber and left him to go gather wine and some snacks.  He was setting up the spread on the table in his room, when he heard a noise behind him.  He turned and couldn't help but flush at the sight of a still slightly wet Carver wearing only his breeches.  They were loosed and riding low and Fenris was entranced by the jut of hipbone.  His ears perked up and were completely red and he muttered something about it being his turn as he hurried out of the room.  Carver smiled to himself, pleased that he had caused such a reaction.  He thought about grabbing a shirt from his pack, but decided to just stay as he was.  A short time later it was his turn to blush and stammer when Fenris returned also topless, wearing only his skin tight leggings and ribbon tied around his wrist.  They stared at each other, wanting so much, wanting everything but both scared to make the first move. 

The tension grew and grew and then finally, as is his want, Carver blurted out a sentence, too loud in the quiet room.  "I've never done this before." He went red, "I mean I've had sex, but never with a guy, never with an elf even.  It's also just been a long time since I've even done anything, because I was just too damn hung up on you.  I know the mechanics of this, I think, and I've seen the commander and his elf go at it, more than I've wanted to, those two seem to just go at it wherever, whenever, and actually now that I think of it, I think Zev is more in charge between him and Aedan, and why am I talking about other guys so much?  Oh Maker, I need to shut up."  Carver presses his palms into his eyes and refused to look at Fenris.  Fenris for his part smiled at how the hopeless boy managed to drain the tension from the room with his rambling.  Fenris poured two glasses of wine and touched Carver's arm.  "Take a drink, and breathe.  We have all night, we have all week."  Carver nodded and took great gulps of air.  Fenris continued, figuring that he owed Carver the truth about himself, his history, "I was a slave, my body was not my own, and it was...used by Danarius and those he loaned me out to.  I have had few chances to have a lover of my own choosing.  I know how to please, how to seduce, how to use and be used.  In my limited memory, you are the first that I want, that I need."  Carver's heart broke a little at this information, but Fenris had had years to come to terms with who he had been, and who he had become while in Kirkwall, and while he was still often angry, the years had lessened his feeling of being damaged.  That one night drunken stand he had had with Hawke had caused a lot of problems for him, but it had also helped him realize that sex could be about pleasure and not just pain and power.  With that in mind he was able to continue speaking, "Carver, I want to fuck you." He smirked as Carver choked on his wine, "I want to kiss you, touch you everywhere.  I want you beneath me, your giant frame pinned, held still because I want it that way, because you want to please me.  I want to taste you, lick your skin, watch you tumble over the edge of desire.  I want to make you as weak as a kitten, wring out every feeling, watch you come when I say you can.  And then I want to do that all over again, with you doing the same to me.  Is this acceptable to you?" Carver's mouth was hanging open, eyes glazed and he managed to nod.  "Good, remove your breeches and go lie down on the bed."  Carver hurried to comply, tripping over his feet, crashing into the bedframe.  He lay down and Fenris stalked over to look at the feast laid before him.  "Maker, you are beautiful Carver."  The younger man blushed, embarrassed at being so exposed, but the hunger in Fenris' eyes distracted him.  Fenris climbed on top of the warrior, laughing a little at how they must look, his legs barely able to straddle Carver's waist, his hands so small and delicate on the mass of shoulder below him.  He took his time, leaning to kiss Carver, thoroughly exploring mouth, then jaw, then neck.  It was so little, but Carver was already a trembling pile of goo.  Fenris slowly, surely, worked his way down Carver learning what he enjoyed, loving each whimper, each moan.  He was exploring the dusky skin of nipple and feeling the thrust of Carver's erection behind him, when they heard the banging at the door.

They both froze and desperately hoped that the person would go away, but instead they heard the door open and Aveline's voice call out, "Fenris are you home? I'm coming up."  It seemed that both men had quite colourful vocabularies as the scrambled to cover themselves up.  They were almost presentable by the time Aveline made her way in.  The look on her face though, suggested that they were not composed as they would like.  She nodded a greeting to Carver before turning to Fenris.  "Your sister has arrived and is at the Hanged Man."  Fenris paled, "Is she...?"  Aveline looked at the elf, "She seemed alone, I questioned the ship's first mate, and he said she seemed to be by herself on the ship, not making conversation with anyone."  "It could still be a trap!" Fenris yelled.  Aveline sighed, "It could be, I don't know.  I just have done what you asked.  Your sister is here, waiting to see you, what happens next is up to you." She nodded again and left the men.

Fenris started to pace and mutter to himself.  Carver was unsure what to do, what to say.  He finally went with, "You have a sister?"

Fenris realized that he had never told Carver the story.  "Hadriana, before I killed her, told me that I had a sister, that she was a free woman.  It took me a couple years to track her down, a little longer to gather the money to bring her here.  I cannot help but worry though.  If Hadriana knew of her, so too did Danarius, and I fear that this might be some sort of trap."  Fenris looked so lost and helpless. "I do not remember her, but I want to see her, I want to know who I was."  Carver nodded, "Family is important, I know."  He sighed.  "Want to go over to Garrett's, make some plans, in case this is a trap?" Fenris nodded and looked back to the bed. "Don't worry Fenris, will get back to what we were doing.  It's been years building, one more night won't really matter. Let's go." The men headed out with Carver thinking that if this was a trap, if Danarius was there, he really wanted to kill the guy, for the years he had made Fenris suffer, and for just the idea of him being a hideous cock block.

 

Carver and his brother stood slightly back from Fenris as he looked at his sister and learned his name was Leto.  Isabela was drinking at the bar, Varric was waiting in the wings.  If it was a trap, they were ready, right now though all Carver could focus on was the lost look on Fenris' face.  He and his sister didn't really look alike, but there was something in the way that she sat, that reminded him of Fenris.  He watched Fenris slowly step closer to her, but she seemed closed off, distant.  They all heard Garrett swear as he looked at the stairs.  Strange, Caver thought.  He expected Danarius to be more imposing, a monster in appearance as well as in deed.  He could feel the corruption and blood magic seeping off the magister, and slowly reached for his sword.

Danarius called the elder Hawke Fenris' master and Fenris bristled, but Hawke being Hawke couldn't help but be all quippy and sarcastic, "I'm not his master, that's my little brother, though actually I think Fenris is the one actually in charge...Hmmm, do you guys role play that?  You know escaped slave conquering the fierce warrior?" Pretty much everyone in the room paused and looked at Hawke. "Okay, right, grossed myself out there.  Remind me to never think of my brother and sex again."  Carver groaned and hit his brother up the head, "Can we just get to the killing the bad guys part?" Carver added as both he and Fenris drew their swords.  Mercenaries seemed to pour out of the woodwork, but they were ready.  Isabela went into action throwing a dagger, and they heard Bianca loading on the steps.  Garrett focused on freezing the enemies so that Fenris and Carver could easily shatter them.  Soon Danarius called with blood and there were demons and skeletons, but Carver had a trick up his sleeve, one that he hadn't told anyone about.  He focused as Alistair had taught him and threw out a cleanse that destroyed the two rage demons advancing on Fenris.  Fenris took the opportunity to carve his way towards Danarius.  Carver and Garrett followed, slicing through anything that tried to get near Fenris.  Nearing Danarius, Fenris dropped his sword and lit his brands.  Danarius was protected by a barrier but was scared by the tableaux in front of him.  His slave was death personified, the lyrium bright, highlighting the warden and the mage that stood behind him, ready to kill for their friend, ready to die for their friend.  That focus, that determination, that love was something that Danarius had never before seen and was something he couldn't undertand.  Carver threw out a suprisingly strong Holy Smite which rattled Danarius' protection enough that Fenris was able to grab a hold of him.  Fenris didn't make a show of it, just looked his former master in the eyes and broke his neck.  It almost felt anticlimatic, but satisfying nonetheless.

Garrett idly punched his brother. "Where'd you learn templar skills?  Oh and also, maybe warn your brother when you throw that shit around."  Carver nodded sheepishly.  The two Hawkes had sort of forgotten about Varania, but Fenris hadn't.  He stalked over to his sister, not believing that blood could betray him so.  She explained that she could have been a magister and Fenris lit up.  "Shit" was all Carver said as he quickly went to Fenris' side.  He touched the elf's shoulder, trying to soothe him.  Fenris snapped at him, "She deserves to die." She huddled in the corner and begged Carver to stop Fenris, "You can't let him kill me - stop him!" Carver looked at her, and couldn't help but get a little angry himself, "Look bitch, you just tried to get the man I loved killed, not really feeling sympathetic to you right now.  Also let him?  I don't let him do anything, he is his own man.  The only reason I don't want him to kill you, is that one day he might regret it, and I don't want him to ever be sad."  It seemed that Carver's anger was in fact a balm for Fenris and his brands slowly dimmed.  He jerked his head toward the door and told his sister to get out and that he never wanted to see her again.  She ran, but before she left was determined to deliver a blow to her brother, "You wanted the markings, you fought for them in order to gain freedom for myself and mother.  Now she is dead, and I have nothing, as far as I can tell, you've always been better off than us."  She stormed out, not seeing the devestation she had wrought.  Fenris hunched in on himself.

Fenris couldn't believe it was over, couldn't really process what Varania told him.  He looked at the blood on the groud, at Danarius' corpse, not sure what he was supposed to be feeling.  "I am alone." was all he could come up with.  Carver couldn't help but flinch at those words.  Garrett didn't like what those words did to his brother so he walked over and lightly punched Fenris in the arm.  "You idiot, you have us.  In case you didn't realize it, we're all your family now.  More importantly you have my brother, unless you fuck that up again."  Fenris and Carver both winced. Fenris wasn't sure what to do so he just looked at Carver and quietly walked out of the bar.  "Garrett..." Carver started.  The elder Hawke just nodded, "We've got this, go after him."  Carver headed to the door, and was suprised that Fenris was waiting outside.  They walked quietly back to the mansion.

Carver put a bottle of wine into Fenris' hands and just sat there and watched as the elf worked his way through the bottle.  Neither was sure how much time had passed before Fenris was finally able to speak. "It is done." It was a statement, it was a question. "Yes, Fenris it is done, you are officially free."  Fenris took another sip, and quietly asked, "What do I do now?"  Carver responded with, "What do you want to do?"

"Is it too crass if I say you?" Carver choked and laughed, "Have you been taking lessons from Bela?" Fenris blushed and put the bottle down.  He slowly stood and moved over to Carver.  Carver stayed seated, which allowed Fenris to actually look down at the young man.  Fenris kissed him slowly, softly before stepping back, hunger in his eyes.

"I do not know how to feel about what has happened, I do not want to deal with it right now.  I just want a few moments for myself before I figure out what comes next."  Carver understood the sentiment, and stood.  He slowly began to devest himself of his armor and Fenris began to do the same.  Carver was soon naked and walked over the bed, he lay down and looked at Fenris, "Take what you need."  He was sure that he was about to be ravished, destroyed by the tumult of emotion that was wringing its way through Fenris right now, but instead he received another soft, slow kiss.  He looked at the elf, who had climbed a top him, confused.

"I have waited too long for you, to blankly use you." Carver blushed at this. Fenris kissed him again. "I want to forget today, but I don't want to rush this.  Our first time is too important to be a release for anger.  I want more, I want everything you have, and I want to give you all of me in return." Carver would swear unto his dying breath that he didn't tear up when Fenris said this.  No tear fell when Fenris added, "I am yours," not a one.

Neither man was capable of rational thought or speech after that.  Fenris learned about the advantages of warden stamina as he took Carver over the edge again and again.  Carver for his part was blown away.  He knew that sex was pretty much the best thing ever, but what Fenris was doing to him brought him to whole new levels of pleasure.  He wasn't really sure how to go about touching another man, but Fenris was patient and let Carver explore at his leisure.  Slowly they figured out a rhythm to suit them both.  Fenris fulfilled his earlier promise to lick every inch of Carver, causing the younger to swear his saw stars when that tongue drew a stripe over his cock.  Fenris sucked him down as far as he could, enjoying the curses that fell from Carver's mouth.  Later Carver tried to return the favour, nervous, but Fenris guided his head and offerred lots of praise, filling Carver with confidence.  He couldn't help but laugh at Carver's frown after swallowing for the first time, and got him a glass of wine to ease the taste.  Eventually Carver was relaxed enough, comfortable enough to let Fenris slowly open him up and take him.  It hurt a bit, but Fenris soothed him with kisses and touches and soon Carver became lost to the sensations.  He writhed on the bed, clutched at the sheets, and indeed came on Fenris' command, just as the elf had wanted.  Fenris used the edge of the sheet to clean them both up a bit and then hitched himself up on the bed.  It might look a little absurd with their height, weight, and build difference, but to both men it felt completely natural that Fenris was the big spoon.

Carver yawned, worn out, but so very satiated. "Do you want to talk about it yet?"  Fenris kissed the top of his head, "No, tomorrow will be soon enough to sort all that out.  Sleep my warden."  Fenris pulled Carver even closer.  "kay.  I'm yours too, you know." Carver managed to add before he drifted off.

"I know."  


	12. Headed Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We reach the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever I bend time and missions to suit my needs.

"I'm not going in there." Hawke said stubbornly looking at Isabela. She smiled at him, "He's due to leave tomorrow, and you haven't seen him in days.  Go in there and tell them to put pants on and come to the Hanged Man." Hawke shook his head. "If you do, I promise to be nice to you later tonight." Hawke perked up at the thought of a nice Isabela and what that might entail.  He squared his shoulders, knocked on the door and walked into Fenris' home.  He didn't hear anything at first, which was a relief, but as he got closer to the room that Fenris could usually be found in he could hear the murmur of a conversation.  He figured that if they were talking, they weren't doing anything so he started to walk into the room saying, "Hey how about you two come to the Hanged - ARGGHHH!" Garrett swiftly clamped a hand over his eyes and tried to wipe the image of his naked tied up brother from his mind.  Carver was flushed red, both from the embarrassment of his brother walking in on him, and from the arousal of Fenris working a toy in and out of his ass.  Fenris just smirked at the whole situation.

With his eyes still covered Garrett continued with his message, "Right, ummm, Hanged Man tonight, before you head back to Ferelden Carver." Garrett backed out of the room and ran out of the building.  Isabela chased after him, wanting to know what had him so freaked out.

The moment ruined, Fenris and Carver looked at each other, and then Fenris slowly, reluctantly untied Carver.  For the last few days they had focused on each other, on pleasure, on making up for lost years, on showing each other their true worth, and had ignored the reality of time.  Now though they had to confront the fact that Carver had to leave.  Carver had received a note that Nathaniel and his sister had caught a ship leaving a couple of days earlier and that Carver was to make his own way home.  They sat up together on the bed and just looked at each other unsure of what to say.  Finally Carver managed to say, "You could come with...?" and Fenris shook his head sadly, "I owe your brother too much, I cannot abandon my promise to guard him."  Carver nods, sad but understanding.  The younger Carver would have been upset, sure that Fenris was choosing his brother over him, but he knew that this wasn't about that, but was about Fenris making a choice as a free man, and sticking to it.  Carver smiles, "You know we have a few hours until we have to be at the Hanged Man." He wiggles his eyebrows in an absurd, but charming way.  Fenris laughs softly and pulls Carver into a kiss.

 

That night at the Hanged Man was loud, profane, and Carver lost a lot of money to Isabela's cheating and nimble fingers.  The others didn't know how to respond to an openly happy and laughing Fenris, except for Donnic, who had over the years seen this side of his friend.  It took Garrett several drinks to be able to look his brother in the eye, though he couldn't help but blush.  Carver smirked, "Like you and Isabela haven't done that kind of stuff." Garrett flushed harder and begged Anders to wipe his memory.  Everyone was happy, and very, very drunk.  Carver and Fenris had hoped to sneak away to have a last chance alone, but were too far gone to do that.  Instead everyone passed out in Varric's room and woke with blinding headaches.

Carver, thanks to being a warden wasn't really feeling the effects of the night before, and was just annoyed that he had to head out quickly or miss his boat.  He kissed the still unconscious Fenris and said softly, "I promise to come back as soon as I can"  He headed to the door, waved at Garrett who had woken briefly and made his way to the docks.  The docks were fairly quiet as docks go and Carver searched out his ship.  He noticed a templar who looked vaguely familiar talking to the harbour master and the men looked over. "Young Master Hawke, I don't know if you remember me, but you helped provide a great service to the order years ago." Carver's memory kicked in, "Yes, Ser Thrask, I remember you.  How have you been?" Carver knew he could spare a couple minutes, he liked templars who did their duty, but also remembered that mages were people and that the rules sometimes needed to be bent.

Thrask sighed, "I am sure that your brother has told you about the increasing tensions here in Kirkwall," Carver nodded at this, "I fear Meredith has forgotten what we are truly supposed to stand for.  Things are troubled, change is needed." For a moment Thrask looked sad.  He held out his hand and Carver shook it, confused when he felt a prick, "I am sorry about this, I really am," was the last thing Carver heard as the world around him faded away.

 

Carver spent the next few days drugged or spelled.  It took a lot for the mages and templars to keep him contained, due to how his body could quickly break things down.  Finally a mage used blood magic to hold him - leaving him frozen but aware.  They were on a stretch of the Wounded Coast, waiting for something, someone.  Thrask continued to look sad, Grace angry, Alain scared.  Carver remembered helping these mages and right now was really regretting that decision.  He didn't know how much time had passed but eventually he could hear his brother's voice.  They had angled his body so that he couldn't see what was happening, but he had never heard his brother sound like that before.  The rage was barely contained as he demanded that Carver be let go.  Carver couldn't tell what happened next, but heard screams and the clash of weapons.  He couldn't help but feel relieved when Fenris came to stand over him, protecting him from the fight, cleaving anyone who tried to come near them.  Soon it was all over, and Alain released the binds that held Carver frozen.  He stood up slowly, feeling wobbly as they hadn't fed him the whole time they had him, and with a warden's hunger that was dangerous.  Fenris tried to support him, and while strong, was just too short to help Carver stay upright.  Garrett came over and supported his little brother.  He tried to make a quip, but just held him fast.  "I'll be fine, I swear.  Just need some food."  Carver tried to look reassuring, but could tell that his brother and his boyfriend didn't really buy it.  Cullen appeared soon after, the situation was explained and they all headed for home.

Fenris wanted to take Carver back to his place, but Garrett shot that down, saying that the Amell estate had more food and comforts to get Carver back to normal.  Fenris looked ready to complain, but Carver said, "You can stay with me, you know."  They made their way to the estate, and once there Garrett asked Orana to prepare the guest room, a bath, and a lot of food for his brother.  He led him to the library and sat him on the couch. "Orana, will take care of what you need, I need to go see Orsino, talk to Varric.  Is that alright?" Carver nodded unbelievably weary.  "Fenris, you'll look after him right?" "Of course Hawke." Garrett left shortly after.

Orana brought food to the library and Carver devoured it swiftly, messily.  Starting to feel a little more human again, he let Fenris lead him to the bath.  He smiled as Fenris carefully undressed him and helped him into the tub.  He laughed when Fenris soaped a cloth and began to wash him.  "Taking that promise to look after me a little too seriously aren't you?"  Fenris shook his head, "That is not possible."  He paused wanting to say more, but unsure of how to say it. "Carver," he began, "I did not like to see you thusly."

"Fenris, I'm a warden, what they did sucked, but honestly was a cakewalk to what I often face."  Fenris frowned at this casual statement, "I do not want you harmed."

"We're both warriors, injury, pain, is just a part of what we do, who we are."  Carver leaned back in the tub and reached out a hand.  Fenris dropped the washcloth, dropped his clothes and climbed in with the younger man. "I can't promise you that I won't get injured, that I will always come back to you." Fenris grumbled and scowled at this. "You can't promise me that either.  What I can promise is that I will always do my best to stay alive, that I will fight with everything I have to stay with you." Carver wrapped his arms around Fenris, "I can promise you that I am yours, that I love you, and I will do so until the end of time."  Fenris nodded and both silently agreed to pretend that the wetness on Fenris' face was solely from the steam of the warm bath.

They got out of the tub, sort of dried off and headed to the guest room.  There Carver proceeded to worship Fenris, touching, kissing every inch of the elf.  He slowly worked his way down Fenris, swallowed him down swiftly, loving the moans that the elf made.  He pulled himself off and looked down at Fenris, loving how dazed the man looked.  He asked something he had wanted to for the last few days, "Can I have you?"  Fenris smiled slowly, beautifully.  "Yes," was all he said.  They made love slowly, claiming each other, the sex as much of a promise as wedding vows would be.  They eventually fell asleep, Carver for once being the big spoon.

 

They slept for a long time, only awakening to Hawke furiously pounding on the door.  Carver, not caring that he was naked opened the door, ready to yell at Garrett, but was stopped by the look on his brother's face.  "What do you need?" was what he ending up saying.  "Everything you can give me."  Carver nodded, "We can be ready in ten minutes." Before the door was closed Fenris was already dragging on his armour.  They got ready swiftly, silently, unsure of what to expect.  They met Garret in the foyer, who looked terrifying in his Champion gear.  They all headed out and joined up with the rest of the gang.

Carver couldn't understand what happened.  One minute everyone was yelling, and the next the sky was on fire.  Anders collapsed on a crate, Sebastian was screaming, and all the Hawke brothers could do was stare at each other in horror and desperation.  Carver knew he'd back his brother no matter what, and hoped that Fenris would do the same.  Fenris was reluctant to protect mages, but he trusted Hawke, more importantly he trusted Carver, so he agreed to help.  Everyone argued about what to do with Anders until Garrett finally just threw up his hands and ordered his fellow mage to get gone.  He couldn't kill his friend, but knew it was too dangerous for him to stick around.  Sebastian wanted to argue, wanted Anders dead, but Garrett just hit him and said that they had people to save.

They all fought hard to get to the gallows and once there Meredith was oh so kind enough to give them a moment before the final battle.  Carver couldn't help but feel a certain amount of deja vu as he stood in front of Fenris and watched his brother and Isabela be a little gross with the kissing.  He looked at Fenris and could tell that the elf was thinking a similar thing.  "Last time we stood like this, you did not come back to me, not for years.  I do not wish for that to be repeated.  You will make it through this battle."  Fenris tried to be intimidating and on anyone else it might have worked, but Carver could see the worry behind the scowl.  Carver nodded, "I don't make that promise unless you do." Fenris reached up and yanked Carver's head down for a kiss that garnered several wolf whistles.  "Nothing will keep me from you, never again."  They lined up behind the elder Hawke ready for whatever came next.

What did come next was pain, blood, horror.  Carver watched as Orsino destroyed himself, protected his brother from the lyrium enhanced Meredith, and then remembers running, all of them except for Aveline running for the docks.  She stayed behind, for her husband, and to give them all a chance to get gone.  He saw Isabela calling out to various men and the world around him just slid into grey as he collapsed on the deck.

 

When he awoke it was to the gentle bobbing of a ship and Fenris' arms wrapped around him, seeming to protect him even in sleep.  Carver smiled, he really loved being the the little spoon for Fenris.  He managed to sneak his way out of the embrace and make his way to the deck.  He had always known that Isabela was beautiful, but to see her, to watch her guide the wheel of her ship and call out orders to her men was to see her in a whole new light - exquiste couldn't even describe it.  He didn't know how long he stood there watching her beauty, her freedom before Garrett smacked him up the head.  "I know, it's a little ridiculous isn't it?" Carver agreed with him.

"So what happens next?" Carver asked.  

"Well, everyone gets dropped off where they want, and we scatter.  If we stay together we're too easy to track down, and this is going to be a nightmare." Garrett looked out to sea. "Are we dropping you in Amaranthine?" Carver nodded. "Is Fenris going with you?" "I really hope so."  Garrett sighed sadly.  "When you leave, I want you to take Dragon with you." They both looked to the aging mabari lounging on the deck, "A life at sea is no place for a war dog." Carver looked at his brother, "So you are staying here then?"

Hawke grinned and it was as if the last few years of pain and strife were shed from his skin, "I'll be the Dread Pirate Hawke, First mate to the Pirate Queen of the Eastern Seas.  It has a nice ring doesn't it?"  Hawke clapped a hand on his brother's shoulder and walked towards Isabela, towards his future.

Carver stared out at the water, not really thinking of much when he felt Fenris stand next to him.  Carver decided to repeat the question that he had almost asked, just a few days ago. "Will you come with me?"

Fenris stared straight out to the sea, tense. "I do not like the cold."

"I'll keep you warm, we'll always have a fire in our room."

"I drink too much," was Fenris' next gambit.

"The Vigil has an almost endless supply of wine."

"I do not want to be a warden."

This one was easy for Carver to get around, "The train recruits like Zev does, or join the regular guard."

"I do not like your friend Nathaniel."

"You will once you meet his girlfriend." Fenris snorted at that.

The next Fenris said very quietly, "I want a child."

Carver smiled happily, "Amaranthine has an orphanage, I'm sure that we could find a stubborn and angry elf to adopt."

Fenris' mouth started to twitch towards a smile. "I would want everyone to know that you belong to me, that I am not just some elf you are with."

Carver laughed outright, "First off, no one at the keep would question that, everyone knows that Zev is in charge of the Commander, and secondly that's easy enough to do - ISABELA!" The pirate looked at the men. "What?" "You're a captain, at sea, so you can marry us right?" She laughed delighted.  "You bet your ass I can puppy."

Fenris blushed as Carver returned his attention to the elf, "Will that do?"  Fenris walked to the steps that lead to Isabela and the ship's wheel and paused a couple up so that he could looked Carver in the eye. "Yes, I do believe that will do nicely."  They kissed, happily, and Carver realized that for once he had everything he had ever wanted.

 

The end

**Author's Note:**

> The end got a little sentimental there, but I wanted a more involved Leandra. She can get a bit of a bad rap, and I have mixed feelings about her, but she did love her children very much, and I think would try to be involved and helpful in their lives.


End file.
